it's almost the end of march, many months after my last post. i have no idea how time passes as quickly as it does. this has been a full, full year--some good and some less so. the children are thriving and growing, and i feel so very lucky to have the life i have, even though it's a chaotic mess most days.our family is (mostly) healthy, (mostly) happy, and (mostly) enjoying each other.
today is maudlin for me--i am thinking about the mad rush two years ago to get to my brother's side before he drew his last breath. tomorrow is the second anniversary of his death, and in many ways, it is still an open wound. as adults, we weren't close for many years, but there is something intangible about knowing that your brother is there that just can't be replaced when he is gone. when his second daughter and then my first son were born, we saw each other more, talked more, and gave each other more support. when he got sick, all i did was read and read and read and try to prepare him and my parents and myself for what lay ahead--for the waste that cancer brings. i can't express how much hate that awful disease. my knitting group has a young friend, a barrista at the cafe where we knit, who got sick last fall and recently died after a brief, intense battle with lukemia. he was not quite 21 years old. another friend has a girlfriend who just had a malignant tumor removed from her brain, and is facing the long road to recovery and a lifetime of monitoring. she is in her 30s and has 3 small boys at home, one with special needs. so many families i know are affected by this horrible disease in so many ways. it's an emotional roller coaster for the patient and for all those who care about them. sometimes even for those who know them only peripherally. but you have to keep the faith. there are always cases like the hippie's aunt, a walking miracle, who had clean scans after a 4-year battle with a glioblastoma, a terrible brain cancer that is almost always swiftly fatal. medical science is a wonder, literally uncovering new solutions every single day.
anyway. this is what i am thinking about today as i go through all the motions of my job and mothering my family. i am treasuring the moments in front of me, no matter how frustrating or mundane or beautiful. i am reminding myself that life is a gift. i am seeking ways to make mine matter more.
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
dark days of winter, meal 6: one pot meal challenge
the dark days of winter challenge is starting to have some theme and challenge weeks here and there. this week's theme is soups and one pot meals. i decided to challenge myself to see if i could make this from what i already had in the kitchen with zero shopping or planning. sometimes i think i do better when there are limitations that force me to become creative.
on the menu
local ingredients
non-local ingredients
challenging: the challenge here was staying local. there were some things in my fridge that needed to be used and were not local--i couldn't see the value of seeking out the local counterpart to something i already had if it meant wasting something. so--i used the half an onion in my crisper rather than try to find a local onion. for all i know, it WAS a local onion--either way--it went in the stew.
recipes
hearty winter stew with chicken and cabbage
this one's 100% made up.
ingredients:
1 whole chicken
1 cup wheat berries
1/2 large yellow onion
1 quart chicken stock
1 cup water
2 cloves garlic
2-3 bay leaves
1 small to medium head of green cabbage
1 cup dark beer
salt and pepper to taste
directions: about 6 hours before eating, cut chicken into 8 pieces, and place into a slow cooker. roughly chop onion, then add it, along with the wheat berries, to the pot. add chicken stock, water, garlic cloves, and bay leaves. cook on high for about 4 hours. while this is cooking, go ahead and roughly chop the cabbage. set aside for later. after 4 hours of cooking time, remove chicken, pull the meat from the bones. discard skin and bones, then return meat to the pot. add cabbage and beer. continue to cook from about 2 more hours until wheat berries are just starting to split.
beer bread with rosemary
this is based on the beer bread recipe on the food network's website. i changed the type of flour, added rosemary, and cut the butter in half, but the original concept is still theirs. :)
ingredients:
3 cups whole wheat flour
3 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup sugar
~1 tablespoon chopped fresh rosemary
12 ounces dark beer
1/4 cup melted butter
directions:
preheat oven to 375 degrees. butter a 9x5 baking pan. sift together flour, baking powder, salt, and sugar. (note: when i sifted my locally milled flour, the sifter wanted to keep much of the wheat berry hulls and other bits of the rough flour. i did sift, but i also dumped those back in. my point was to aerate the flour more than to "strain" it, so to speak. if you wanted fluffier bread, you could leave those things out, but i wanted all the nutrition that comes with the WHOLE wheat berry being included.) whick 1/2 the rosemary into the dry ingredients. add beer, and stir just until mixed. pour into greased loaf pan. pour melted butter over mixture. bake about 1 hour until golden brown and crusty. cool in pan for 5 minutes, then move to wire rack. let sit for at least 10 minutes more before slicing.
family ruling
i knot that picture up there isn't the most stunning, but trust me, people. this. was. awesome. we had friends over for dinner, and the vote for awesomeness was unanimous. it was warm and comforting and delicious, as well as ridiculously healthy. the 8-year-old at the table ate two big bowls, and i think all the grown-ups did as well. this is one made up recipe i'll be hanging onto! the bread as well was a pleasant surprise. i had heard good things about the beer bread recipe, but i was a little reluctant to try it with the dark flour and beer--it was fantastic and went really well with the stew. also--it's worth noting that all of this held up very well--the leftovers i ate for lunch a few days after this was made were probably even better than the freshly made stuff. YUM!
further thoughts
a note on beer and broth. this is something i have never done--add beer to broth. i've read countless recipes for stews and soups that use beer, but for reasons i can't even begin to think, it never occured to me to actually make one before. but i was about to add the cabbage to the stew, and i kept tasting it, and thinking it was missing something...something to give it a little more kick and add to the heartiness of the dish...something a little bitter to balance the sweet cabbage i was about to add. BEER! it was right there in front of me, so i tried it--totally the right thing.
also a first for me: wheat berries. sharon, the farmer at my market who is growing wheat and milling flour had some of these for sale, and i was like, wha??? she assured me that they were delicious, and that you could add them to hot, long cooking cereals like steel cut oats, or to soups where you would normally use barley or brown rice or something like that. i admit, i was a little nervous about them. rice in stews can get mushy, and barley can make them too thick. but. i had them, i wanted something different, and i needed a starchy something in the stew for body. OMG, they are fantastic! they turned out like rice, but chewier, a tiny bit crunchy, and not mushy at all. after 6 hours on high, they were just starting to split and release a little thickening wheat germ into the stew. all of us really liked both the texture and the slightly sweet flavor they brought to the table. so. good. one of those foods i now wonder where it's been all my life. if you can get your hand on some, i can't recommend them enough.
so yeah. success.
on the menu
- hearty winter stew with chicken and cabbage
- rosemary beer bread
local ingredients
- whole chicken from fickle creek farm (efland, nc, 44 miles)*
- wheat berries from singing turtle farm (dunn, nc, 54 miles)*
- cabbage from ben's produce (clayton, nc, 33 miles) (CSA)*
- homemade chicken stock from my freezer
- sweet josie brown ale from lonerider brewery
- bay leaves from east wake apiary (wake county, nc, exact mileage unknown) *
- whole wheat bread flour from singing turtle farm (dunn, nc, 54 miles)*
- rosemary from our yard (apex, nc, 15 feet)
non-local ingredients
- salt
- pepper
- garlic
- onion
- butter
- baking powder
challenging: the challenge here was staying local. there were some things in my fridge that needed to be used and were not local--i couldn't see the value of seeking out the local counterpart to something i already had if it meant wasting something. so--i used the half an onion in my crisper rather than try to find a local onion. for all i know, it WAS a local onion--either way--it went in the stew.
recipes
hearty winter stew with chicken and cabbage
this one's 100% made up.
ingredients:
1 whole chicken
1 cup wheat berries
1/2 large yellow onion
1 quart chicken stock
1 cup water
2 cloves garlic
2-3 bay leaves
1 small to medium head of green cabbage
1 cup dark beer
salt and pepper to taste
directions: about 6 hours before eating, cut chicken into 8 pieces, and place into a slow cooker. roughly chop onion, then add it, along with the wheat berries, to the pot. add chicken stock, water, garlic cloves, and bay leaves. cook on high for about 4 hours. while this is cooking, go ahead and roughly chop the cabbage. set aside for later. after 4 hours of cooking time, remove chicken, pull the meat from the bones. discard skin and bones, then return meat to the pot. add cabbage and beer. continue to cook from about 2 more hours until wheat berries are just starting to split.
beer bread with rosemary
this is based on the beer bread recipe on the food network's website. i changed the type of flour, added rosemary, and cut the butter in half, but the original concept is still theirs. :)
ingredients:
3 cups whole wheat flour
3 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup sugar
~1 tablespoon chopped fresh rosemary
12 ounces dark beer
1/4 cup melted butter
directions:
preheat oven to 375 degrees. butter a 9x5 baking pan. sift together flour, baking powder, salt, and sugar. (note: when i sifted my locally milled flour, the sifter wanted to keep much of the wheat berry hulls and other bits of the rough flour. i did sift, but i also dumped those back in. my point was to aerate the flour more than to "strain" it, so to speak. if you wanted fluffier bread, you could leave those things out, but i wanted all the nutrition that comes with the WHOLE wheat berry being included.) whick 1/2 the rosemary into the dry ingredients. add beer, and stir just until mixed. pour into greased loaf pan. pour melted butter over mixture. bake about 1 hour until golden brown and crusty. cool in pan for 5 minutes, then move to wire rack. let sit for at least 10 minutes more before slicing.
family ruling
i knot that picture up there isn't the most stunning, but trust me, people. this. was. awesome. we had friends over for dinner, and the vote for awesomeness was unanimous. it was warm and comforting and delicious, as well as ridiculously healthy. the 8-year-old at the table ate two big bowls, and i think all the grown-ups did as well. this is one made up recipe i'll be hanging onto! the bread as well was a pleasant surprise. i had heard good things about the beer bread recipe, but i was a little reluctant to try it with the dark flour and beer--it was fantastic and went really well with the stew. also--it's worth noting that all of this held up very well--the leftovers i ate for lunch a few days after this was made were probably even better than the freshly made stuff. YUM!
further thoughts
a note on beer and broth. this is something i have never done--add beer to broth. i've read countless recipes for stews and soups that use beer, but for reasons i can't even begin to think, it never occured to me to actually make one before. but i was about to add the cabbage to the stew, and i kept tasting it, and thinking it was missing something...something to give it a little more kick and add to the heartiness of the dish...something a little bitter to balance the sweet cabbage i was about to add. BEER! it was right there in front of me, so i tried it--totally the right thing.
also a first for me: wheat berries. sharon, the farmer at my market who is growing wheat and milling flour had some of these for sale, and i was like, wha??? she assured me that they were delicious, and that you could add them to hot, long cooking cereals like steel cut oats, or to soups where you would normally use barley or brown rice or something like that. i admit, i was a little nervous about them. rice in stews can get mushy, and barley can make them too thick. but. i had them, i wanted something different, and i needed a starchy something in the stew for body. OMG, they are fantastic! they turned out like rice, but chewier, a tiny bit crunchy, and not mushy at all. after 6 hours on high, they were just starting to split and release a little thickening wheat germ into the stew. all of us really liked both the texture and the slightly sweet flavor they brought to the table. so. good. one of those foods i now wonder where it's been all my life. if you can get your hand on some, i can't recommend them enough.
so yeah. success.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
dark days of winter, meal 5: gettin' experimental
i seem to be skipping a week here and there. again, my meal# isn't matching up to the actual week the dark days of winter challenge is on, but i swear i am doing the best i can! :)
this week, the meat was super basic, but i got a little experimental with the veggies. i had some turnips left from my fall CSA (those things last forever!), and a couple of big bunches of kale. the hippie is always talking about trying some green smoothies, so i get extra greens for him. however, it takes us a while to start following through on intentions like that, so i sometimes end up with the extra greens lying in the fridge begging for mercy! suffice it to say, we've had a lot of turnips and kale this year. time to try something new with them!
on the menu
local ingredients
non-local ingredients
challenging: i was a little disappointed that i failed to buy local cream and butter for this week. i've been trying to favor those, but a) i can't get them at the farmers market, and b) not all grocery stores have them either. if i don't make it to the places that do, which are a little out of my way, then i can't get local. i always get organic, but it would sure be nice if local were as easy to find.
recipes
grilled smoked pork chops
recipe is a strong word for this--we don't do a thing to fickle creek's smoked pork chops other than heat them on the grill. i unwrap them and hand them to the hippie, and he grills them about 3 minutes per side on high heat. let them rest a few minutes, and eat them up!
creamed turnips with bleu cheese
ingredients:
~2 lbs salad turnips (these are small white turnips with a milder flavor than the big purple kind)
2 whole cloves
2 cloves of garlic
~1 tsp fresh thyme
1 oz good quality bleu cheese
1/4 tsp white pepper
heavy cream to texture
salt to taste
directions: peel and chop turnips to about 3/4-inch cubes. place in saucepan with both whole cloves and garlic cloves, cover with water, and bring to a boil. reduce heat slightly and continue to boil just until turnips are tender, about 15 minutes. drain well and remove cloves (leave garlic in!). mash turnips slightly with a potato masher and drain again. i discovered that turnips contain a LOT of liquid--drain them a lot so they don't become soupy. add thyme, bleu cheese, white pepper, salt, and a tiny bit of cream, and whip. add cream in increments and by tiny amounts--you don't need much.
kale chips
(recipe from use real butter, one of my absolute favorite food blogs)
ingredients:
a bunch of kale
olive oil
sea salt
directions:
preheat oven to 350. wash and dry kale thoroughly. remove the hard center stems, and roughly tear or chop it into manageable sized pieces. toss with a small amount of olive oil. line a baking sheet with parchment paper, and lay the kale out in a single layer. sprinkle with sea salt. bake for about 12-15 minutes until crispy.
family ruling
this whole meal was YUM city, ESPECIALLY the kale chips! those were just fantastic. i've wanted to try them for a long time after having so many friends rave to me about how good they are. i was skeptical, but delighted in the end. i can't recommend it enough. (note: our 3-year-old was NOT as impressed. he was game and tried them, but HATED them--so much that i gave him a cookie to make up for the level of horror he experienced. it's rare for us to have such a mega-fail with him, but there you go--this was right up next to cauliflower on his PLEASE-MAMA-NOT-THAT list, which is saying something. his statement? "mama, i don't really like kale chips." lol)
now. the turnips. turns out they have about 12x the amount of liquid in them as potatoes. so, while the creamed turnips TASTED awesome, they were far more soupy than i intended. i should have done a better job of draining them before i added the cream, so i adjusted the directions accordingly. that said--this was a delicious amalgam about about 15 different recipes i read. i will definitely do this again--i will just know next time to drain better and use less cream.
further thoughts
i forget how much i like playing in the kitchen. this, and the one-pot meal i made for next week's challenge are the first couple of truly creative things i've done in the kitchen in a while. i miss it! for some reason in winter, i seem to stick more to the tried and true than i do in the summer. i think this has something to do with the variety of available produce for sure, but i have also realized that i tend to feel pressed for time when it gets dark so early, too. i need to shake that feeling off and continue to get creative on the winter veggies.
this week, the meat was super basic, but i got a little experimental with the veggies. i had some turnips left from my fall CSA (those things last forever!), and a couple of big bunches of kale. the hippie is always talking about trying some green smoothies, so i get extra greens for him. however, it takes us a while to start following through on intentions like that, so i sometimes end up with the extra greens lying in the fridge begging for mercy! suffice it to say, we've had a lot of turnips and kale this year. time to try something new with them!
on the menu
- grilled smoked pork loin chips
- creamed turnips with bleu cheese
- kale chips with french grey sea salt
local ingredients
- smoked pork chops from fickle creek farm (efland, nc, 44 miles)*
- thyme from our yard (apex, nc, 15 feet)
- salad turnips from ben's produce (clayton, nc, 33 miles) (CSA)*
- carolina bleu cheese from the hillsborough cheese company (hillsborough, nc, 34 miles)*
- kale from fickle creek farm (efland, nc, 44 miles)*
non-local ingredients
- salt
- white pepper
- cream(organic, but not local)
- olive oil
- garlic
- cloves
- french grey sea salt
challenging: i was a little disappointed that i failed to buy local cream and butter for this week. i've been trying to favor those, but a) i can't get them at the farmers market, and b) not all grocery stores have them either. if i don't make it to the places that do, which are a little out of my way, then i can't get local. i always get organic, but it would sure be nice if local were as easy to find.
recipes
grilled smoked pork chops
recipe is a strong word for this--we don't do a thing to fickle creek's smoked pork chops other than heat them on the grill. i unwrap them and hand them to the hippie, and he grills them about 3 minutes per side on high heat. let them rest a few minutes, and eat them up!
creamed turnips with bleu cheese
ingredients:
~2 lbs salad turnips (these are small white turnips with a milder flavor than the big purple kind)
2 whole cloves
2 cloves of garlic
~1 tsp fresh thyme
1 oz good quality bleu cheese
1/4 tsp white pepper
heavy cream to texture
salt to taste
directions: peel and chop turnips to about 3/4-inch cubes. place in saucepan with both whole cloves and garlic cloves, cover with water, and bring to a boil. reduce heat slightly and continue to boil just until turnips are tender, about 15 minutes. drain well and remove cloves (leave garlic in!). mash turnips slightly with a potato masher and drain again. i discovered that turnips contain a LOT of liquid--drain them a lot so they don't become soupy. add thyme, bleu cheese, white pepper, salt, and a tiny bit of cream, and whip. add cream in increments and by tiny amounts--you don't need much.
kale chips
(recipe from use real butter, one of my absolute favorite food blogs)
ingredients:
a bunch of kale
olive oil
sea salt
directions:
preheat oven to 350. wash and dry kale thoroughly. remove the hard center stems, and roughly tear or chop it into manageable sized pieces. toss with a small amount of olive oil. line a baking sheet with parchment paper, and lay the kale out in a single layer. sprinkle with sea salt. bake for about 12-15 minutes until crispy.
family ruling
this whole meal was YUM city, ESPECIALLY the kale chips! those were just fantastic. i've wanted to try them for a long time after having so many friends rave to me about how good they are. i was skeptical, but delighted in the end. i can't recommend it enough. (note: our 3-year-old was NOT as impressed. he was game and tried them, but HATED them--so much that i gave him a cookie to make up for the level of horror he experienced. it's rare for us to have such a mega-fail with him, but there you go--this was right up next to cauliflower on his PLEASE-MAMA-NOT-THAT list, which is saying something. his statement? "mama, i don't really like kale chips." lol)
now. the turnips. turns out they have about 12x the amount of liquid in them as potatoes. so, while the creamed turnips TASTED awesome, they were far more soupy than i intended. i should have done a better job of draining them before i added the cream, so i adjusted the directions accordingly. that said--this was a delicious amalgam about about 15 different recipes i read. i will definitely do this again--i will just know next time to drain better and use less cream.
further thoughts
i forget how much i like playing in the kitchen. this, and the one-pot meal i made for next week's challenge are the first couple of truly creative things i've done in the kitchen in a while. i miss it! for some reason in winter, i seem to stick more to the tried and true than i do in the summer. i think this has something to do with the variety of available produce for sure, but i have also realized that i tend to feel pressed for time when it gets dark so early, too. i need to shake that feeling off and continue to get creative on the winter veggies.
Monday, January 03, 2011
brother
one of the physically strongest and most robust people i have ever known is my brother, doug. as it turns out, nature doesn't give a damn about this. my family history is filled with cancer, and while i've sort of always quietly and morbidly assumed i'd have to battle it someday, it somehow never occurred to me that any of my siblings might also have to face the beast. my brother is heading up that hill, and his fight is likely to be hard one. good thoughts and prayers for him and his family would be greatly appreciated.
this, my friends, is a shitty way to start a new year.
this, my friends, is a shitty way to start a new year.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
the new normal
boy, what a lot of adjustments.
when i was out on maternity leave, my nanny quit. she had really good reasons for this and had a super hard time making the decision to do it, but man--it was tough on all of us. the critter has known no other care since he was 6 weeks old, and he was/is a part of their family. very hard for him to get why he was suddenly not there with them every day. at least i was still on leave, so he got to be home with me and finn for a month.
i spent a few weeks researching the heck out of all the options, and in the end, decided that daycare was the best thing for us. right now, the boys are in two different daycares. turns out that wait lists for babies are really long, so it proved to be impossible to find a place that had an opening for both a 2-year-old and a baby without paying an INSANE amount of money. having them in two places is good and bad. it's good in that i really feel like both of them are in the best places they could be. it's bad in that i have to schlep finn and and out of kieran's daycare twice a day, and that i am losing any kind of sibling discount i'd get by having them in the same place.
kieran LOVES daycare. loves it. he's happy to go in the morning, and happy to come home in the evening. he's excited at the end of the day to tell me about what all he did and played with. his vocabulary is exploding. he has taken to it like a duck to water, and i am SO grateful! i love his center and his teachers and the staff at the front desk, and really--i could not be happier about how it's working out so far.
finn, after two days of daycare, got sick, and has been sick for three weeks. he gave it to kieran, then me, then the hippie. so that's been fun. i love the woman who is taking care of finn, but i still very much wish that he was with a person rather than at a center for the first few months. it's hard for him to sleep there with all the noise, and it seems like the hands on time with him is just, by necessity, limited. the awesome thing is that he's directly across the street from my office, which means i can go across and feed him a couple of times a day rather than pumping. pumping stinks, and i am super happy to not be doing it. i am also REALLY lucky that i have bosses who support this. finn's situation, while both good and bad, is also the best i can do right this minute, so we're learning to deal with it.
the weekdays are a flurry of activity. i know every family with two working parents deals with this, so i am not going to get whiney about it. but sometimes, i'll tell you--it's tough. that said--we're getting into a rhythm where it works for us. i'm managing to feed us home-cooked breakfasts most mornings, and home cooked meals most nights. we're all getting some sleep. we're all clean (mostly) and dressed in clothes that are clean. the house hasn't (yet) become a pit of utter chaos. the boys are happy for the most part. now if we could just all get healthy again, this new normal would be working for me. we're getting there...
when i was out on maternity leave, my nanny quit. she had really good reasons for this and had a super hard time making the decision to do it, but man--it was tough on all of us. the critter has known no other care since he was 6 weeks old, and he was/is a part of their family. very hard for him to get why he was suddenly not there with them every day. at least i was still on leave, so he got to be home with me and finn for a month.
i spent a few weeks researching the heck out of all the options, and in the end, decided that daycare was the best thing for us. right now, the boys are in two different daycares. turns out that wait lists for babies are really long, so it proved to be impossible to find a place that had an opening for both a 2-year-old and a baby without paying an INSANE amount of money. having them in two places is good and bad. it's good in that i really feel like both of them are in the best places they could be. it's bad in that i have to schlep finn and and out of kieran's daycare twice a day, and that i am losing any kind of sibling discount i'd get by having them in the same place.
kieran LOVES daycare. loves it. he's happy to go in the morning, and happy to come home in the evening. he's excited at the end of the day to tell me about what all he did and played with. his vocabulary is exploding. he has taken to it like a duck to water, and i am SO grateful! i love his center and his teachers and the staff at the front desk, and really--i could not be happier about how it's working out so far.
finn, after two days of daycare, got sick, and has been sick for three weeks. he gave it to kieran, then me, then the hippie. so that's been fun. i love the woman who is taking care of finn, but i still very much wish that he was with a person rather than at a center for the first few months. it's hard for him to sleep there with all the noise, and it seems like the hands on time with him is just, by necessity, limited. the awesome thing is that he's directly across the street from my office, which means i can go across and feed him a couple of times a day rather than pumping. pumping stinks, and i am super happy to not be doing it. i am also REALLY lucky that i have bosses who support this. finn's situation, while both good and bad, is also the best i can do right this minute, so we're learning to deal with it.
the weekdays are a flurry of activity. i know every family with two working parents deals with this, so i am not going to get whiney about it. but sometimes, i'll tell you--it's tough. that said--we're getting into a rhythm where it works for us. i'm managing to feed us home-cooked breakfasts most mornings, and home cooked meals most nights. we're all getting some sleep. we're all clean (mostly) and dressed in clothes that are clean. the house hasn't (yet) become a pit of utter chaos. the boys are happy for the most part. now if we could just all get healthy again, this new normal would be working for me. we're getting there...
Saturday, September 04, 2010
on birthin' babies, part 2
anyway--the differences between finn's birth and kieran's were nothing short of astounding, for so, so many reasons. here are the highlights:
1) pre-op appointment
for obvious reasons, you don't get this with an unscheduled c-section, and there was a part of me that was like--why do i need this? i've already had one c-section, right? i was so wrong--there's definitely an advantage to this appointment. for example, i learned that with kieran's birth, they gave me a dose of sedatives after he was delivered for no reason at all. this explains why the recovery, first feeding, and eventual move to the post-partum hospital room are all a blur. the doctors could not explain why i was given these drugs and why i wasn't told about it before hand, or even afterwards, but at least i knew enough this time to tell them not to do it. also, at this appointment, we filled out all the admission paperwork and had all the bloodwork done ahead of time, so there was no waiting when we got to the hospital
2) scheduling
with finn, we had a scheduled surgery at 10am on monday morning, which meant we needed to get to the hospital at 8am--perfectly civilized. and we did--we got there on time, went through prep, and had plenty of time to meet the OR nurses in charge of things. the nurses went over what to expect in the OR, what the spinal tap would feel like, and what to alert them about with regard to the drugs i had to have. this was also an opportunity to let the anesthesiologist's nurse know that i wanted no sedatives. she seemed surprised by this, but went with it. everything went as scheduled, and we were out of recovery and in our room at 1:somehting pm.
in sharp contrast to this schedule, with kieran, we had a "scheduled" induction, which means the hospital jerks you around for a day or so then tries to make you come in at 3am to be induced. we ended up with a pitocin drip at noon, fully dilated and pushing by 5pm, the decision to have the c-section at 8:30pm, and birth at 8:49pm. recovery took a while, and we finally got to our post-partum room at 2am.
now, the reason this matters is that, after you have a c-section and after you get to your room, they have to monitor your vitals every 30 minutes for 4 hours, and then they drop it back to every 3 hours. with finn, we were done with this monitoring by 6pm. with kieran, it was 6am. plus with kieran, we were both exhausted from the whole process. this time around, we got some actual rest after the birth--i can't tell you what a difference this makes.
3) expectations
going in for a scheduled c-section, you have nothing but acceptance to deal with. you are no longer hoping for a natural birth, or wondering who's on call, or whether or not you will need pain meds. you have accepted the surgery, chosen your doctor, and are no longer fighting the system. i can't tell you how much this reduces the anxiety for both you and for your partner.
4) drugs
the afore-mentioned sedatives, which i would have utterly rejected, had i known anything about them. what a difference not to have them this time!!! in the OR, i was alert, focussed, and able to talk to the doctors and nurses. in recovery, i could ask questions and understand what was going on. and last, and also most importantly, i was able to focus on finn and jason and myself. finn's first feeding went beautifully, which i think is a credit to the clear head. thank god for the clear head!
5) hospital crowding
when kieran was born, it was in this weird peak period of baby deliveries at our hospital. this means we ended up in the overflow to the overflow to the birth center in a crappy, tiny room with nurses and techs who were either called in from other hospitals or who had worked multiple shifts. they ranged from kind of tired and impatient to outright bitches, with two notable exceptions. we also never had the same nurse twice. this time, there was NO overcrowding at all. we were in an awesome new room in the birth center with the same day and night nurses both days. all of the nurses and techs were helpful and friendly and in good moods because they weren't completely overworked. it's truly amazing what a difference this makes. i wish i had had gifts to give these women.
this is all stuff i didn't know was bad the first time, until it wasn't bad the second time. this time, it felt like cheating, things were so smooth and easy. i am thankful i had good people all around me, in the OR, in recovery, and in the post-partum care. i am also thankful, they let us go home a day early, even though i am still kind of stunned that they let us.
and speaking of thankful, i am thankful i have a healthy baby, that the breastfeeding is going so well this time (which i fully credit to that first latch), and that i have healed beautifully in spite of over-extending myself during recovery. (hard not to with a 2-year-old in the house!)
the only bad thing i can say about the whole experience this time was that i came home with some nasty chemical burns. they hospital changed the type of adhesive they use on the pressure bandages sometime between kieran's birth and finn's. my sensitive skin does NOT like the new adhesive, and my belly was covered in some large, painful burns and blisters that were hiding under the bandage. i discovered them when removing the bandage--VERY unpleasant. but still--nothing some neosporin hadn't fixed up in a couple of weeks.
again--i would never encourage anyone to choose surgery over a natural birth. i will ALWAYS wish natural birth had been an option for me. and maybe it was, but not without defying a doctor i trust and possibly risking my or the baby's health. not worth the risk.
in conclusion--second birth experience WAY better than the first.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
pregnancy update: entering the home stretch
34 weeks
seriously, people--only 6 weeks to go. i've been sailing though the past month, refusing to stress over anything, and telling everyone, including myself, that june is my get-my-shit-together month. it is upon me. i spent my lunch hour today ordering stuff for the baby's room. i have an official registry set up for the shower some friends are unexpectedly throwing for me. i have a plan of attack. what i am trying to do now is quell the sudden urge to repaint the new baby's room. so far, the urge seems to be winning, in spite of the fact that the room is a lovely green that's perfectly acceptable. i long for a light, clear, teal. *sigh*
anyway. pregnancy is progressing normally, in spite of the dire predictions of the horrible death-focused doctor at my practice. it's also not without its concerns, in spite of the pie-in-the-sky doctor's assessment. it's funny how well you get to know these doctors when you are on your second round with them and going in twice a week for tests. if anything is going to make me ill, it's the fact that i am spending too much time there. lol.
anyway, as you all know, i have had high blood pressure since my youth, which means there are things they watch for when you get pregnant, especially if you are 40. they monitor my BP of course, as well as the baby's size, the fluid levels in my uterus, the placental function, esp as related to the variation in the baby's heart rate, my weight, my kidney function, and any tiny signs that i might be becoming pre-eclamptic. well, so far--everything is a-ok. the baby is gigantic, my BP is running lower than it has since i was 16, there's no sign of anything wrong anywhere.
dr. death still talks about stillbirth a lot. dr. sunshine gives me unrealistic statistics for VBAC success and the ability to let nature take its course. dr. reality--the dr. who performed my surgery with the critter, is somewhere in the middle. it's pretty likely that i will end up with a c-section with him again this time. i am trying to come to terms with that, although it's still depressing to me that i am most likely not ever going to experience a natural labor and delivery myself. i am somewhere between the anger and acceptance phases of my grief over this. i keep reminding myself that the healthy mama and baby at the end of this process is the goal. but it doesn't change the sadness at the lack of control and over not being able to let nature do its thing without taking a bunch of possibly unnecessary risks.
anyway. my point here was--i'm feeling pretty good. the baby's doing great. we're sailing into the home stretch. my belly is huge, and once again, it's hard to believe it can get any bigger, though i know it can...
on the down side, i am bone tired. i am getting up probably 5 times a night with either leg cramps or to pee, or both. i have considered naps at red lights more than once in the past couple of days. my gums are so bleedy, it looks like someone has punched me in the mouth every time i brush my teeth. my pants are all falling off because the baby is stealing my ass much like his big brother did.
on the upside--he's a mobile little critter, and i am firmly in the land-sharking phase of this pregnancy. it's comforting really, having all that motion from him--let's me know every day that he's ok in there. i am motivated as all get out to Get Things Done. i have a temp lined up for my leave. i am eating all the cookies i want.
could be much worse.
seriously, people--only 6 weeks to go. i've been sailing though the past month, refusing to stress over anything, and telling everyone, including myself, that june is my get-my-shit-together month. it is upon me. i spent my lunch hour today ordering stuff for the baby's room. i have an official registry set up for the shower some friends are unexpectedly throwing for me. i have a plan of attack. what i am trying to do now is quell the sudden urge to repaint the new baby's room. so far, the urge seems to be winning, in spite of the fact that the room is a lovely green that's perfectly acceptable. i long for a light, clear, teal. *sigh*
anyway. pregnancy is progressing normally, in spite of the dire predictions of the horrible death-focused doctor at my practice. it's also not without its concerns, in spite of the pie-in-the-sky doctor's assessment. it's funny how well you get to know these doctors when you are on your second round with them and going in twice a week for tests. if anything is going to make me ill, it's the fact that i am spending too much time there. lol.
anyway, as you all know, i have had high blood pressure since my youth, which means there are things they watch for when you get pregnant, especially if you are 40. they monitor my BP of course, as well as the baby's size, the fluid levels in my uterus, the placental function, esp as related to the variation in the baby's heart rate, my weight, my kidney function, and any tiny signs that i might be becoming pre-eclamptic. well, so far--everything is a-ok. the baby is gigantic, my BP is running lower than it has since i was 16, there's no sign of anything wrong anywhere.
dr. death still talks about stillbirth a lot. dr. sunshine gives me unrealistic statistics for VBAC success and the ability to let nature take its course. dr. reality--the dr. who performed my surgery with the critter, is somewhere in the middle. it's pretty likely that i will end up with a c-section with him again this time. i am trying to come to terms with that, although it's still depressing to me that i am most likely not ever going to experience a natural labor and delivery myself. i am somewhere between the anger and acceptance phases of my grief over this. i keep reminding myself that the healthy mama and baby at the end of this process is the goal. but it doesn't change the sadness at the lack of control and over not being able to let nature do its thing without taking a bunch of possibly unnecessary risks.
anyway. my point here was--i'm feeling pretty good. the baby's doing great. we're sailing into the home stretch. my belly is huge, and once again, it's hard to believe it can get any bigger, though i know it can...
on the down side, i am bone tired. i am getting up probably 5 times a night with either leg cramps or to pee, or both. i have considered naps at red lights more than once in the past couple of days. my gums are so bleedy, it looks like someone has punched me in the mouth every time i brush my teeth. my pants are all falling off because the baby is stealing my ass much like his big brother did.
on the upside--he's a mobile little critter, and i am firmly in the land-sharking phase of this pregnancy. it's comforting really, having all that motion from him--let's me know every day that he's ok in there. i am motivated as all get out to Get Things Done. i have a temp lined up for my leave. i am eating all the cookies i want.
could be much worse.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
tired...
i'd like a day off. a real one. an actual day where no one needs me to do anything for them and there's no laundry to fold and nothing to wash or dust or anything, and no one's nose to wipe or diaper to change. i'd like to sit on the sofa and read or knit or whatever. maybe all alone. maybe take a nap if things got really out of hand. and while i'm over here in fantasy land, i'll take someone else doing all the cooking for that day, too. because sheesh. mama is tired. bone-ass fucking super-weary. i don't even have the energy to wish for more energy--i just want to lie down.
this probably has something to do with it. but still. *yawn*
i need a day off, y'all.
this probably has something to do with it. but still. *yawn*
i need a day off, y'all.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
gone, baby, gone
so this will be news for some of you, and not for others. for those of you reading this and thinking--wow--who knew? i am so sorry for not talking to you in person about this. it's a conversation i just can't have over and over again, but for some reason, i feel like writing about it. so i am.
i took last week off. my nanny was having foot surgery, the hippie's sister was supposed to be in town all week, i was tired, and i missed my baby. once in a while, as a working mother, it's nice to take a week and pretend you're a stay-at-home mother instead. but anyway. i took the week off.
at the beginning of last week, i was about 6 weeks pregnant. now, i am not. over the course of the past week or so, i lost that pregnancy, and now, i am just me again, instead of me and a little growing bit. and folks, it's a weird feeling. i am rational--i know that losing an early pregnancy is unbelievably common. and i know that it means something, somewhere, in the nothing-short-of-a-miracle process of making a baby from a couple of rogue cells went wrong, and that's all there is to it. i didn't drink, smoke, eat a slew of high-mercury fish and bacteria-laden cold cuts. i didn't take up cage fighting, or start riding horses out of the blue. this shit just happens sometimes. and in some ways, i actually feel lucky. i didn't have a life-threatening ectopic pregnancy. i didn't have uncontrollable bleeding or a tremendous amount of pain. i didn't not know what was going on. i don't need a D&C to complete the process. my body just said--hey--this ain't right--and took care of it. ah, nature... what a bitch!
so it's weird. there's a sense of loss and emptyness, but i think far less than if you lose a baby later in a pregnancy. there's also an odd sense of just wanting it to be over if it's going to be over, so i can let it go and move on. and not to get all graphic, but i am so sick of the sight and smell of blood, i can't even tell you.
somewhat unexpectedly, it's made me feel incredibly closer to the family i have. i want to hold kieran so tight and never let him go. i want the hippie to sleep so close beside me that we are like one person. i want to hole up in the house with my family and not let anyone in or out for a month. i have more love than ever for them. where's it coming from? am i trying to protect what i have? i am honestly not sure. but it's a crazy side effect of this crap, that's for sure.
in the end, i am fine. we are fine. this was yet another accidental pregnancy for us--lord help us all if/when we actually decide to TRY to get pregnant. either we won't be able to, or i'll have triplets. lol.
ok--enough about that.
on an utterly different topic--i'm 40. when the hell did THAT sneak up on me? i don't feel any different, but there it is. where's that Box of Badass i was supposed to get when that happened? i DID get a brand new macBook pro and a whole bunch of unexpected guests over the weekend, plus a slew of other unexpected gifts. and a party. what i really want is a do-over week off, which i will get in a couple of weeks when we go to the beach. maybe i'll manage to get through at least registering the macBook by then. i have a real problem with time lately. there's just not enough.
when that Box of Badass arrives, i would like it to contain the following: some ID's for covert international travel, some plane tickets, a few interesting firearms, lots and lots of cash in various currencies, the ability to speak 9 languages of my choosing, PhD's in planetary science and mechanical engineering, some hidden macGuyver capabilities, black belts in at least 3 martial arts styles, and definitely, DEFINITELY the superpower that allows me to stop time for everyone but me so i can get some shit done and then take a nap before things turn on again.
i took last week off. my nanny was having foot surgery, the hippie's sister was supposed to be in town all week, i was tired, and i missed my baby. once in a while, as a working mother, it's nice to take a week and pretend you're a stay-at-home mother instead. but anyway. i took the week off.
at the beginning of last week, i was about 6 weeks pregnant. now, i am not. over the course of the past week or so, i lost that pregnancy, and now, i am just me again, instead of me and a little growing bit. and folks, it's a weird feeling. i am rational--i know that losing an early pregnancy is unbelievably common. and i know that it means something, somewhere, in the nothing-short-of-a-miracle process of making a baby from a couple of rogue cells went wrong, and that's all there is to it. i didn't drink, smoke, eat a slew of high-mercury fish and bacteria-laden cold cuts. i didn't take up cage fighting, or start riding horses out of the blue. this shit just happens sometimes. and in some ways, i actually feel lucky. i didn't have a life-threatening ectopic pregnancy. i didn't have uncontrollable bleeding or a tremendous amount of pain. i didn't not know what was going on. i don't need a D&C to complete the process. my body just said--hey--this ain't right--and took care of it. ah, nature... what a bitch!
so it's weird. there's a sense of loss and emptyness, but i think far less than if you lose a baby later in a pregnancy. there's also an odd sense of just wanting it to be over if it's going to be over, so i can let it go and move on. and not to get all graphic, but i am so sick of the sight and smell of blood, i can't even tell you.
somewhat unexpectedly, it's made me feel incredibly closer to the family i have. i want to hold kieran so tight and never let him go. i want the hippie to sleep so close beside me that we are like one person. i want to hole up in the house with my family and not let anyone in or out for a month. i have more love than ever for them. where's it coming from? am i trying to protect what i have? i am honestly not sure. but it's a crazy side effect of this crap, that's for sure.
in the end, i am fine. we are fine. this was yet another accidental pregnancy for us--lord help us all if/when we actually decide to TRY to get pregnant. either we won't be able to, or i'll have triplets. lol.
ok--enough about that.
on an utterly different topic--i'm 40. when the hell did THAT sneak up on me? i don't feel any different, but there it is. where's that Box of Badass i was supposed to get when that happened? i DID get a brand new macBook pro and a whole bunch of unexpected guests over the weekend, plus a slew of other unexpected gifts. and a party. what i really want is a do-over week off, which i will get in a couple of weeks when we go to the beach. maybe i'll manage to get through at least registering the macBook by then. i have a real problem with time lately. there's just not enough.
when that Box of Badass arrives, i would like it to contain the following: some ID's for covert international travel, some plane tickets, a few interesting firearms, lots and lots of cash in various currencies, the ability to speak 9 languages of my choosing, PhD's in planetary science and mechanical engineering, some hidden macGuyver capabilities, black belts in at least 3 martial arts styles, and definitely, DEFINITELY the superpower that allows me to stop time for everyone but me so i can get some shit done and then take a nap before things turn on again.
Monday, June 08, 2009
new farmers market--whoo hoo!
WARNING: i am a farmers market evangelist.
everything in this picture is labeled--just click on it to see the notes.
the western wake farmers market is changing my life. it's one of a handful of new farmers markets that have opened in our area this summer, and it's the closest one to us of any size. we missed the first weekend it was open, but we've been every other saturday for the past month and a half. it's impacting our weekend and the way we shop for food, which i think is a VERY good thing. we are getting to know the vendors, who have come to expect us--also a VERY good thing.
i have long been a fan of the raleigh farmers market, but a) it's HUGE and sometimes a little overwhelming, and b) it's far away. we still go--just not as often as we did when we lived downtown. and there's something to be said for a smaller marketplace--it's more intimate. the farms represented here seem to be fairly modest in size, and the farmers and sellers seem knowledgable and enthusiastic about what they do. it gets us all excited about the food we are eating, and it has definitely made me more enthusaistc about cooking lately, too! it's a little more expensive than going to the grocery store, but i feel so much better about the quality of the food and about the types of farms we are supporting that i think it's worth every cent.
so far, we've bought the following things from the new farmers market: arugula, radishes, romaine lettuce, leaf lettuce, butter lettuce, swiss chard, a basil plant, whole wheat and seeded breads, stuffed baguettes, carrots, radishes, squash, eggs, ny strip steaks, breakfast sausage, lamb bratwurst, ground beef, a whole chicken, pork chops, goat cheese in various forms, camambert, mozerella cheese, broccoli, savoy cabbage, spring onions of every color, elephant garlic, asparagus, flounder, swordfish, trigger fish, scallops, shrimp, sunburst tomatoes, grape tomatoes, strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries. i am probably forgetting some things...
some of the more amazing meals we've made featuring these things?
and now, i leave you with one more picture. here are the blueberry scones i made at 6:30 this morning just because i wanted them. the berries in these are from right down the road, and are second in flavor only to the ones on my pseudo-in-laws' farm. so good!
the western wake farmers market is changing my life. it's one of a handful of new farmers markets that have opened in our area this summer, and it's the closest one to us of any size. we missed the first weekend it was open, but we've been every other saturday for the past month and a half. it's impacting our weekend and the way we shop for food, which i think is a VERY good thing. we are getting to know the vendors, who have come to expect us--also a VERY good thing.
i have long been a fan of the raleigh farmers market, but a) it's HUGE and sometimes a little overwhelming, and b) it's far away. we still go--just not as often as we did when we lived downtown. and there's something to be said for a smaller marketplace--it's more intimate. the farms represented here seem to be fairly modest in size, and the farmers and sellers seem knowledgable and enthusiastic about what they do. it gets us all excited about the food we are eating, and it has definitely made me more enthusaistc about cooking lately, too! it's a little more expensive than going to the grocery store, but i feel so much better about the quality of the food and about the types of farms we are supporting that i think it's worth every cent.
so far, we've bought the following things from the new farmers market: arugula, radishes, romaine lettuce, leaf lettuce, butter lettuce, swiss chard, a basil plant, whole wheat and seeded breads, stuffed baguettes, carrots, radishes, squash, eggs, ny strip steaks, breakfast sausage, lamb bratwurst, ground beef, a whole chicken, pork chops, goat cheese in various forms, camambert, mozerella cheese, broccoli, savoy cabbage, spring onions of every color, elephant garlic, asparagus, flounder, swordfish, trigger fish, scallops, shrimp, sunburst tomatoes, grape tomatoes, strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries. i am probably forgetting some things...
some of the more amazing meals we've made featuring these things?
- grilled cumin-rubbed NY strips, sliced and served with a two part salad. part 1: baby arugula tossed in a french vinaigrette with sliced radishes and shaved goat manchego; part 2: chopped sunburst tomatoes and purple spring onions with basil tossed in olive oil, balsamic, and lemon juice. (we've made this a few times, because we love it so much!)
- pan fried trigger fish with cheese grits and sauteed swiss chard with soy and lemon.
- diver scallops sauteed with garlic, butter, lemon, and white wine over pasta with sundried tomatoes, spinach, and baby portabella mushrooms tossed with cream and parmesan.
- roasted herb-stuffed chicken with sweet potatoes and steamed asparagus. (made stock from the carcass.)
- lamb bratwurst with roasted rosemary potatoes and savoy cabbage slaw. (see recipe below) (see also picture)
- flounder soaked in buttermilk, breaded in cormeal and 3 peppers, and pan fried in peanut oil and butter with the leftover potatoes and slaw from the above meal. (see picture)
- and last but no least, lunch after the farmers market run has become 1/2 a mini stuffed baguette from la farm bakery with a salad made from whatever fabulous veggies we got that day.
1 sm. head of savoy cabbage, thinly slicedmix it all up. chill. eat.
1 medium carrot, grated
1 white or purple spring onion, thinly sliced
1 clove fresh elephant garlic (could use 1/2 a clove of cured elephant garlic or 1 clove regular garlic as well)
~1 tablespoon chopped cilantro
~2 tablespoons toasted pine nuts
juice from 1/2 a lime
1-2 tablespoons good vinaigrette (i used briana's traditional french vinaigrette)
2-3 tablespoons miracle whip (yes i know--hush! i grew up eating this, and have not yet found a replacement for it in salads. i like the sweetness and the creaminess
and now, i leave you with one more picture. here are the blueberry scones i made at 6:30 this morning just because i wanted them. the berries in these are from right down the road, and are second in flavor only to the ones on my pseudo-in-laws' farm. so good!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
fitness snippet
by some bizarre quirk of my body being weird, i weigh less now than i have in like 10 years. this is not normal for a person who has had a baby in the past year, but i am not knocking it. ( i do kind of feel like i have somehow cheated and am having some emotional issues accepting it as reality, but that's a topic for a longer, more self-involved post than this one, which i have about 2 minutes to write.) and being so oddly close to my goal weight, i figure i should maybe make an actual effort to get there. here's my thought of the day on that topic:
some days my thoughts go like this:
less simple carbs--more fruit--take the stairs--take a walk at lunch--yoga?--eat more veggies and less meat--how lean is this protein?--STEP AWAY FROM THE CHOCOLATE--can i run up these stairs?
other days, it's more like:
fuckit--fuckit--cookies--fuckit--fuckit--cupcakes--mmm...fries...--fuckit
what gives, self?
some days my thoughts go like this:
less simple carbs--more fruit--take the stairs--take a walk at lunch--yoga?--eat more veggies and less meat--how lean is this protein?--STEP AWAY FROM THE CHOCOLATE--can i run up these stairs?
other days, it's more like:
fuckit--fuckit--cookies--fuckit--fuckit--cupcakes--mmm...fries...--fuckit
what gives, self?
Monday, April 28, 2008
waiting...
and waiting...
having contractions that won't regulate, although they are fairly steady. as of 8am this morning when i went for my regular doctor's appointment, the baby was fine and i was fine. things are progressing normally for a first time labor--that is, slow as shit.
meanwhile the hospital was supposed to call me at 7am to tell me when to come in for my induction. no one called. at 8pm i called them, got put on hold forever to learn that there were no beds open and there are many deliveries in progress as we speak. so. someone is supposed to call me by 10pm to tell me when to come in. nothing like going in in the middle of the night when you aren't exactly in labor yet.
although who knows, maybe it will give me enough time to go into labor on my own. i am half way there anyway. i am going to go take yet another walk to keep from losing my mind. then i am going to eat everything in the house since the hospital won't let you eat anything once you check in. plus, i have been inexplicably starving all day.
my blood pressure is fine. everything's fine. we're just waiting...
ps--if you've called and failed to reach me, please don't be offended. i just can't face being on the phone right now. i will let everyone know once there's something to tell.
UPDATE 11:27pm--no call from the hospital. fuck 'em. i'm going to bed. this baby's going to come out on his own anyway--contractions are getting closer and stronger without interference, so i am just going to go sleep while i can. sometime soon we'll have a baby, but god only knows exactly WHEN at this point.
having contractions that won't regulate, although they are fairly steady. as of 8am this morning when i went for my regular doctor's appointment, the baby was fine and i was fine. things are progressing normally for a first time labor--that is, slow as shit.
meanwhile the hospital was supposed to call me at 7am to tell me when to come in for my induction. no one called. at 8pm i called them, got put on hold forever to learn that there were no beds open and there are many deliveries in progress as we speak. so. someone is supposed to call me by 10pm to tell me when to come in. nothing like going in in the middle of the night when you aren't exactly in labor yet.
although who knows, maybe it will give me enough time to go into labor on my own. i am half way there anyway. i am going to go take yet another walk to keep from losing my mind. then i am going to eat everything in the house since the hospital won't let you eat anything once you check in. plus, i have been inexplicably starving all day.
my blood pressure is fine. everything's fine. we're just waiting...
ps--if you've called and failed to reach me, please don't be offended. i just can't face being on the phone right now. i will let everyone know once there's something to tell.
UPDATE 11:27pm--no call from the hospital. fuck 'em. i'm going to bed. this baby's going to come out on his own anyway--contractions are getting closer and stronger without interference, so i am just going to go sleep while i can. sometime soon we'll have a baby, but god only knows exactly WHEN at this point.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
knowledge is power
so i had another doctor's appointment today, and it was with my favorite doctor. and well--he kind of brushed off my concerns and questions and didn't tell me a lot. he talked about scheduling an induction for me for next week, and i was like--why so soon? a month ago, the same guy was talking about letting me go for two weeks past my due date. and the explanation was the same as i keep getting from all of them: we don't like to let hypertensive patients go too far beyond their due date. to which i ask--why? what can go wrong? if the baby is fine and i am fine, then why interfere? and he didn't really answer these questions--all they tell me is that i could develop complications. and i have to say, duh. you can always develop complications--why am i any different than anyone else? no one at the practice has ever really answered that.
so he went ahead and scheduled an induction for me for next monday night, when the doctor from monday will be on call. i objected, of course, but was over-ruled with this assurance: don't worry--he's a good deliverer.
frustrating.
so.
i came home to google. and after reading a LOT, i think i actually finally understand the concerns they have. and after understanding the concerns, i actually AGREE with the doctors. this baby needs to come out soon.
here's the thing: i have chronic hypertension--i have had it since i was 17 years old, and for the past 6 years (since a VERY scary BP spike that gave me an unstoppable nosebleed and a trip to the emergency room where my BP was still 172/120 two hours after the bleeding stopped--this was later described as a stroke in my nasal passage), i have been on medication for it. it's well managed. when i got pregnant, the first thing i did was change medications, and all was well. in the past month and a half, the BP has been very slowly creeping up. they upped my meds, but it's had little effect. and while my BP is still in the non-dangerous range, it IS still going up, and what's key here is the difference between what it was early in my pregnancy versus what it is now. from reading this awesome (although scary) page that actually explains this, it seems like i am developing gestational hypertension on top of my chronic hypertension. this is actually a worst case scenario for both me and for the baby. it means that in addition to the complications i already know about (pre-eclamspsia, low fetal growth, premature aging of the placenta, low amniotic fluid levels), none of which i have at all, there are also a host of complications that can develop in the 11th hour, even if my whole pregnancy has been nothing but healthy and beautiful. these are the Bad Ones (HELLP, eclampsia, and the like) that can cause seizures, liver and kidney failure, and death of me or the baby or both. the more my BP goes up, the more likely these complications become, and the longer i remain pregnant, the more my BP will go up--it's on a very predictable curve right now. the cure? get the baby out. so. yeah.
you see what i mean? what a difference it makes to know and understand that! it really IS dangerous for me to continue this pregnancy much longer, in spite of the fact that i feel fine--great even. hypertension is a hidden dragon, and if it strikes--it can happen so fast that there's no time to react.
why is it i have to figure this out for myself instead of getting it from my doctors?
and so--to that. the interesting thing here is that my monday doctor, who i still believe royally screwed up, is the only one who listens to my questions and answers them seriously. and looking back at my conversation with him after The Incident, i now get that he was actually starting to explain all this to me. he was saying that they would want to induce me soon after my due date because the complications that could arise in a case like mine were fast and unpresictable. and i think he could tell that i was too upset at the time to really hear him. he said--i think i am getting ahead of myself trying to discuss induction when you are so upset. and he was right. i just wish my doctor today had really explained the WHY of things to me better before just going ahead and scheduling the induction and kind of railroading me. all i need is communication and understanding. and oddly enough, i think i am more likely to get it from the monday doctor than from just about anyone else. so maybe the fact that my induction is scheduled with him on monday is a Good Thing.
i have been a good patient with these guys, and very cooperative. i have done EVERYTHING they have wanted me to. i have asked a ton of questions the whole way through. i have gone to every appointment, missed none, been late for none, taken the recommended classes, read the recommended reading, monitored my blood pressure at home religiously. it's a little sad that things with the doctors have become so tense and difficult here at the end. i feel like they are communicating things worse now than ever before, when i am actually developing some potentially very serious complications that, to me, warrant more explanation, not less. now is no time to NOT take the time to explain things to me. i still believe that the doctors in the practice are good doctors. i believe that they will take good care of me and the baby, no matter what happens. i just wish they would communicate my care to me better.
sometimes it is pretty hard not to look at doctors and say--i am as smart as you are, man. my degrees are just in different subjects. and it's MY body and MY child's body on the line, and you need to make me understand wtf is up. maybe i should try that...
anyway.
the bottom line here is that i am feeling awesome, and the baby is doing great for now. i am having some contractions, but they haven't regulated. i am hoping and praying that i go into real labor asap and that this baby gets a chance to come on out on his own. i am hoping and praying i will be able to help him out with that without drugs or intervention of any kind. but you know what? if not, then well--he's still gotta get out of there. and if that means induction on monday, then ok. and if that means i have an emergency c-section because that induction doesn't work out, then ok, too. i just want a healthy baby and a healthy me.
and i am pretty calm. my BP is holding steady and i am checking it evvery couple of hours. i am packing things to go to the hospital as soon as it's time to go. i am hanging onto images of putting the baby's fat little feet into the sand, images of him sleeping like a bean on my chest, images of him walking unsteadily across the floor scaring the crap out of the cats... everything's gonna be alright.
so he went ahead and scheduled an induction for me for next monday night, when the doctor from monday will be on call. i objected, of course, but was over-ruled with this assurance: don't worry--he's a good deliverer.
frustrating.
so.
i came home to google. and after reading a LOT, i think i actually finally understand the concerns they have. and after understanding the concerns, i actually AGREE with the doctors. this baby needs to come out soon.
here's the thing: i have chronic hypertension--i have had it since i was 17 years old, and for the past 6 years (since a VERY scary BP spike that gave me an unstoppable nosebleed and a trip to the emergency room where my BP was still 172/120 two hours after the bleeding stopped--this was later described as a stroke in my nasal passage), i have been on medication for it. it's well managed. when i got pregnant, the first thing i did was change medications, and all was well. in the past month and a half, the BP has been very slowly creeping up. they upped my meds, but it's had little effect. and while my BP is still in the non-dangerous range, it IS still going up, and what's key here is the difference between what it was early in my pregnancy versus what it is now. from reading this awesome (although scary) page that actually explains this, it seems like i am developing gestational hypertension on top of my chronic hypertension. this is actually a worst case scenario for both me and for the baby. it means that in addition to the complications i already know about (pre-eclamspsia, low fetal growth, premature aging of the placenta, low amniotic fluid levels), none of which i have at all, there are also a host of complications that can develop in the 11th hour, even if my whole pregnancy has been nothing but healthy and beautiful. these are the Bad Ones (HELLP, eclampsia, and the like) that can cause seizures, liver and kidney failure, and death of me or the baby or both. the more my BP goes up, the more likely these complications become, and the longer i remain pregnant, the more my BP will go up--it's on a very predictable curve right now. the cure? get the baby out. so. yeah.
you see what i mean? what a difference it makes to know and understand that! it really IS dangerous for me to continue this pregnancy much longer, in spite of the fact that i feel fine--great even. hypertension is a hidden dragon, and if it strikes--it can happen so fast that there's no time to react.
why is it i have to figure this out for myself instead of getting it from my doctors?
and so--to that. the interesting thing here is that my monday doctor, who i still believe royally screwed up, is the only one who listens to my questions and answers them seriously. and looking back at my conversation with him after The Incident, i now get that he was actually starting to explain all this to me. he was saying that they would want to induce me soon after my due date because the complications that could arise in a case like mine were fast and unpresictable. and i think he could tell that i was too upset at the time to really hear him. he said--i think i am getting ahead of myself trying to discuss induction when you are so upset. and he was right. i just wish my doctor today had really explained the WHY of things to me better before just going ahead and scheduling the induction and kind of railroading me. all i need is communication and understanding. and oddly enough, i think i am more likely to get it from the monday doctor than from just about anyone else. so maybe the fact that my induction is scheduled with him on monday is a Good Thing.
i have been a good patient with these guys, and very cooperative. i have done EVERYTHING they have wanted me to. i have asked a ton of questions the whole way through. i have gone to every appointment, missed none, been late for none, taken the recommended classes, read the recommended reading, monitored my blood pressure at home religiously. it's a little sad that things with the doctors have become so tense and difficult here at the end. i feel like they are communicating things worse now than ever before, when i am actually developing some potentially very serious complications that, to me, warrant more explanation, not less. now is no time to NOT take the time to explain things to me. i still believe that the doctors in the practice are good doctors. i believe that they will take good care of me and the baby, no matter what happens. i just wish they would communicate my care to me better.
sometimes it is pretty hard not to look at doctors and say--i am as smart as you are, man. my degrees are just in different subjects. and it's MY body and MY child's body on the line, and you need to make me understand wtf is up. maybe i should try that...
anyway.
the bottom line here is that i am feeling awesome, and the baby is doing great for now. i am having some contractions, but they haven't regulated. i am hoping and praying that i go into real labor asap and that this baby gets a chance to come on out on his own. i am hoping and praying i will be able to help him out with that without drugs or intervention of any kind. but you know what? if not, then well--he's still gotta get out of there. and if that means induction on monday, then ok. and if that means i have an emergency c-section because that induction doesn't work out, then ok, too. i just want a healthy baby and a healthy me.
and i am pretty calm. my BP is holding steady and i am checking it evvery couple of hours. i am packing things to go to the hospital as soon as it's time to go. i am hanging onto images of putting the baby's fat little feet into the sand, images of him sleeping like a bean on my chest, images of him walking unsteadily across the floor scaring the crap out of the cats... everything's gonna be alright.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
better day
i REALLY appreciate all the comments and stories from yesterday, people. it makes me feel so much better to know that others would feel (and have felt) similar rages over things like this, although it deeply saddens me to learn how common such things are. of all times to feel like the doctors aren't listening to you!!!
just for a quick update, i wanted to let you all know i feel SO MUCH better today. the bleeding i have had since The Incident on monday has finally subsided, and the cramping has tapered off, and i am actually back to feeling really good physically. the baby's low, and i have some pressure, but now it's back to me being able to read the signals my body is sending me. my head is in a much better place as well--after an hour and a half on the phone venting everything out to my best friend, i feel like i am mentally ready to face whatever comes. i am guesiing that this baby is going to be born pretty soon, although probably not in the next 24 hours. tomorrow i have the second of my two weekly doctor's appointments, and it's with my favorite doctor in my pracite--the one i trust the most and the one whose treatment philisophy is most in line with what i want and feel is right for me and our baby. i am actually looking forward to seeing him. today is a way better day...
ps--jackass goes off call at 5pm tomorrow. think good thoughts for me having this baby friday night when the fave doctor's on call. :)
just for a quick update, i wanted to let you all know i feel SO MUCH better today. the bleeding i have had since The Incident on monday has finally subsided, and the cramping has tapered off, and i am actually back to feeling really good physically. the baby's low, and i have some pressure, but now it's back to me being able to read the signals my body is sending me. my head is in a much better place as well--after an hour and a half on the phone venting everything out to my best friend, i feel like i am mentally ready to face whatever comes. i am guesiing that this baby is going to be born pretty soon, although probably not in the next 24 hours. tomorrow i have the second of my two weekly doctor's appointments, and it's with my favorite doctor in my pracite--the one i trust the most and the one whose treatment philisophy is most in line with what i want and feel is right for me and our baby. i am actually looking forward to seeing him. today is a way better day...
ps--jackass goes off call at 5pm tomorrow. think good thoughts for me having this baby friday night when the fave doctor's on call. :)
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
invasion
what do you do if a doctor you have known and trusted for years tells you he's "going to do a quick cervical check" on you and then starts stripping your membranes without thought, warning, discussion, or consent and against your explicity stated desires? if you are me, you throw the biggest fit you have ever pitched in a public place and become so angry you can't stop shaking and crying and screaming. i am still so angry about this, i can't think or talk about it without my face turning red and my eyes tearing up. he didn't get far, due to me realizing somthing was up, asking questions, and writhing away from him across the exam table the second i knew what he was doing. and he surely will not be doing anything like this to me again since i plan never to see him again--ever. this is just too much of a trust violation for me to overcome. now i am doing everything i can to avoid going into labor until he's safely off call at 5pm on thursday--we'll see how that goes. i am sitting or lying down all the time, not lifting anything at all, being as still and calm as i can be, considering how horribly angry i still am.
i know that to some women, stripping of membranes is not a big deal, but to me, it is. and i have made that known. to have it done without my knowledge or consent or even any warning that it was coming is a violation akin to rape. not to mention how painful it was. the ONLY good thing i can say is that the doctor admitted fault, admitted that my anger was totally justified and did not try to minimize my reaction in any way. he admitted that he still had a lot to learn.
i had a whole discussion with him afterward, through my weeping, in which i made it very very clear that i want NO invasive procedures, NO drugs, NO anything done to me or the baby without discussion, strong medical need, AND consent. i thought i had already made that clear, but apparently not. it sucks that we live in a society where you have to defend yourself, your body, and your unborn baby against the people who are supposed to be taking care of you.
you know, the thing is--i am not against medicine, and i am not against intervention. thank god that intervention is available when it's needed. what i AM against is intervention when it's unnecessary. and it seems to me that the doctors are so afraid of being attacked for not doing enough that they end up doing TOO MUCH instead. for me, if i am ok, and the baby is ok, then get your goddamned ungloved unsanitized fingers the fuck away from my cervix.
the worst part is that now i am filled with dread about going into labor too soon when the doctors i don't trust are on call. and here at the end, when i have been feeling so good and loving my belly, i should be excited and filled with anticipation. instead, i am angry, frustrated, depressed, and i feel like i have lost control of my experience before labor has even begun. i am worried and filled with anxiety. i am cramping and bleeding, when i was totally great right up until he started messing with me. it sucks and it's not fair, and it makes me want to become an advocate of medical rights.
anyway--enough ranting about it. what will be will be. i am going to go lay quietly on my side, neglect all the things i would be doing were i not afraid of going into labor before 5pm on thursday, and just try to be calm. i need to let go of all this anger, but i am not sure how to do it.
i know that to some women, stripping of membranes is not a big deal, but to me, it is. and i have made that known. to have it done without my knowledge or consent or even any warning that it was coming is a violation akin to rape. not to mention how painful it was. the ONLY good thing i can say is that the doctor admitted fault, admitted that my anger was totally justified and did not try to minimize my reaction in any way. he admitted that he still had a lot to learn.
i had a whole discussion with him afterward, through my weeping, in which i made it very very clear that i want NO invasive procedures, NO drugs, NO anything done to me or the baby without discussion, strong medical need, AND consent. i thought i had already made that clear, but apparently not. it sucks that we live in a society where you have to defend yourself, your body, and your unborn baby against the people who are supposed to be taking care of you.
you know, the thing is--i am not against medicine, and i am not against intervention. thank god that intervention is available when it's needed. what i AM against is intervention when it's unnecessary. and it seems to me that the doctors are so afraid of being attacked for not doing enough that they end up doing TOO MUCH instead. for me, if i am ok, and the baby is ok, then get your goddamned ungloved unsanitized fingers the fuck away from my cervix.
the worst part is that now i am filled with dread about going into labor too soon when the doctors i don't trust are on call. and here at the end, when i have been feeling so good and loving my belly, i should be excited and filled with anticipation. instead, i am angry, frustrated, depressed, and i feel like i have lost control of my experience before labor has even begun. i am worried and filled with anxiety. i am cramping and bleeding, when i was totally great right up until he started messing with me. it sucks and it's not fair, and it makes me want to become an advocate of medical rights.
anyway--enough ranting about it. what will be will be. i am going to go lay quietly on my side, neglect all the things i would be doing were i not afraid of going into labor before 5pm on thursday, and just try to be calm. i need to let go of all this anger, but i am not sure how to do it.
Friday, April 18, 2008
39 weeks
i feel like a ripe peach. i look down at my body, and i feel like i must resemble one of those african fertility goddess statues i have seen carved from soapstone and tiger wood and the like. it's so odd. amazing and cool, but still odd. i am not tired of being pregnant. i am not dying to get the baby out. i feel pretty good, even though he's lower down now, and things are moving. as of last monday, i was 85% effaced and dilated 1 cm. i'm having some contractions here and there, but nothing regular yet. this baby could come today, or he could come in a week. it's unclear. the only clear thing is that my belly is a big ol' thing now:
wait, there's one other clear thing these days: i am damned tired of going to the doctor's office. i have been going twice a week for a few weeks now, and i am kind of done with that part. DONE. i am sick of the two idiot nurses and wish i could somehow guarantee that i could get the Good Nurse every time i go in there. i am tired of the one doctor i don't like who over-reacts and talks too much about invasive and unnecessary procedures and uses words like fetal demise in my presense. in fact, i told them flat out i do not want to see her anymore. she stresses me out. i wish i could talk the baby into coming when one of my two favorites is on call, but i am well aware that the little beastie will come when he's ready, not when i'm ready. that said--this weekend would be awesome--one of the favored two doctors is on call all weekend, plus bonus--meredith will be here. nearly ideal.
anyway. the baby is doing great. i am doing great. in sppite of my high blood pressure, which continues to creep up, there's no sign that it's negatively impacting either me or the baby. good. keep that up, body. the two doctors i love are on board with us just letting things unfold as they will. the other two like to talk about inducing me and stripping my membranes and all kinds of things there's no reason to do. don't get me wrong--if this baby goes into distress of any kind, or if i start demonstrating any signs of problems, then by all means, interfere! get the baby out if we need to. but as long as all these tests i keep having every 5 minutes say everything is fine, then you know--shut the hell up, medical people, and let me just do this. and quit running negative scenarios for me, too. i can read, and i am reasonably intelligent, and i know the scenarios. i can run them just fine for myself, thanks.
yeah--i think i am getting a little grumpy over here. it's been a long week. people i need keep flaking out on me. i am so happy it's the weekend. i want some Down Time, and some time away from people constantly asking me, "when's your due date? do you know if you are having a boy or a girl? what will you name him? are you miserable yet? are you just ready to get that baby out?" somewhere areound 32 weeks, i should have just had some shirts made up with the answers to these questions on them. (yep. definitely grumpy.)
in other news, it's going to be something like a month before i get my car back. boo.
in still other news, it's friday, and i think i am going to go home early.
anyway. the baby is doing great. i am doing great. in sppite of my high blood pressure, which continues to creep up, there's no sign that it's negatively impacting either me or the baby. good. keep that up, body. the two doctors i love are on board with us just letting things unfold as they will. the other two like to talk about inducing me and stripping my membranes and all kinds of things there's no reason to do. don't get me wrong--if this baby goes into distress of any kind, or if i start demonstrating any signs of problems, then by all means, interfere! get the baby out if we need to. but as long as all these tests i keep having every 5 minutes say everything is fine, then you know--shut the hell up, medical people, and let me just do this. and quit running negative scenarios for me, too. i can read, and i am reasonably intelligent, and i know the scenarios. i can run them just fine for myself, thanks.
yeah--i think i am getting a little grumpy over here. it's been a long week. people i need keep flaking out on me. i am so happy it's the weekend. i want some Down Time, and some time away from people constantly asking me, "when's your due date? do you know if you are having a boy or a girl? what will you name him? are you miserable yet? are you just ready to get that baby out?" somewhere areound 32 weeks, i should have just had some shirts made up with the answers to these questions on them. (yep. definitely grumpy.)
in other news, it's going to be something like a month before i get my car back. boo.
in still other news, it's friday, and i think i am going to go home early.
Friday, April 04, 2008
full term
today is the end of week 37, which means that if i go into labor now, they won't stop it from happening. from now until may 10th, it's all a waiting game. that said, this baby is up in my lungs and hasn't dropped a bit, so i am nowhere near delivery yet. and he better not come in the next couple of weeks until i can get my temp trained to take over! (hear that, baby? don't be born till the 26th!) people keep asking me--are you miserable yet? that's how they ask. not--how are you feeling--but--are you miserable? and the truth is...no! i feel better now than i have in ages. no coughing. no sickness. the baby is high and active, and i am loving watching my belly pitch and roll every time i sit still for 5 minutes. he's so active that i have become something of a rock star at the doctor's office. all the doctors and nurses ooo and ahhh over my nonstress charts, and how much he moves, and how well his movements match up with his increases in heart rate. as of next week, i will have one ultrasound and two nonstress tests (NSTs) a week till he comes. this is utter overkill, but it's the doctor's office protecting themselves agains malpractice.
this week's appointment was anything but non-stressful. when i have an NST and a regular drive-by exam scheduled, the entire visit should take about 30 minutes. this week it took over two hours. i waited 40 minutes to have the NST, and then the nurse left me alone for the 20-minute test--for 45 minutes. after 30 minutes, the baby flipped over and the fetal monitor lost his heartbeat, so i rang the little bell she gave me to call her in in case something was wrong. no response. rang it again. no response. 5 times. then the alarms ont he fetal monitor went off because it thought the baby was dead since it's gone with no heartbeat for so long. loud beeping went on for 10 minutes. finally, i just gave up. i unstrapped myself from all the stuff, lumbered up out of the recliner, wiped the goo off my belly, turned off all the monitors, and went in search of the nurse. she was up front checking in new patients. further, she failed to keep an exam room open for me, so my doctor ended up doing my drive-by in the testing room, which was both weird and awkward. lord, but i was ANGRY! i have to say that if they want me in there twice a week--they are going to have to be more efficient. i am all for my doctor, but i am not loving his negligent nurse. anyway--both of next week's appointments are with different doctors who have different nurses, so we'll see...
all tales of medical woe aside, i can tell my body is getting ready. it's pretty amazing. aside from all the physical stuff you expect at the end of a pregnancy, i think something in my head is working on getting ready, too. i have been having dreams about birth. not stressful dreams, but more like rememberances from past lives or something. last night i dreamed i gave birth alone in the woods. i was leaning up against an enormous tree with these huge gnarled roots--half leaning and half squatting in between the roots. and the baby was a girl and she fell a few inches when she was born into this pile of leaves i had made for her. i picked her up and used my hands to clean the gook out of her mouth and pat her on the back so she could get started breating on her own, and then i lifted her up onto my chest and leaned back against the tree with her on me. it was messy and earthy and felt unbelievably real. i woke up and my first thought was--oh, that was that other birth. bizarre, and oddly, kind of cool, too.
this week's appointment was anything but non-stressful. when i have an NST and a regular drive-by exam scheduled, the entire visit should take about 30 minutes. this week it took over two hours. i waited 40 minutes to have the NST, and then the nurse left me alone for the 20-minute test--for 45 minutes. after 30 minutes, the baby flipped over and the fetal monitor lost his heartbeat, so i rang the little bell she gave me to call her in in case something was wrong. no response. rang it again. no response. 5 times. then the alarms ont he fetal monitor went off because it thought the baby was dead since it's gone with no heartbeat for so long. loud beeping went on for 10 minutes. finally, i just gave up. i unstrapped myself from all the stuff, lumbered up out of the recliner, wiped the goo off my belly, turned off all the monitors, and went in search of the nurse. she was up front checking in new patients. further, she failed to keep an exam room open for me, so my doctor ended up doing my drive-by in the testing room, which was both weird and awkward. lord, but i was ANGRY! i have to say that if they want me in there twice a week--they are going to have to be more efficient. i am all for my doctor, but i am not loving his negligent nurse. anyway--both of next week's appointments are with different doctors who have different nurses, so we'll see...
all tales of medical woe aside, i can tell my body is getting ready. it's pretty amazing. aside from all the physical stuff you expect at the end of a pregnancy, i think something in my head is working on getting ready, too. i have been having dreams about birth. not stressful dreams, but more like rememberances from past lives or something. last night i dreamed i gave birth alone in the woods. i was leaning up against an enormous tree with these huge gnarled roots--half leaning and half squatting in between the roots. and the baby was a girl and she fell a few inches when she was born into this pile of leaves i had made for her. i picked her up and used my hands to clean the gook out of her mouth and pat her on the back so she could get started breating on her own, and then i lifted her up onto my chest and leaned back against the tree with her on me. it was messy and earthy and felt unbelievably real. i woke up and my first thought was--oh, that was that other birth. bizarre, and oddly, kind of cool, too.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
out with the old... (and other newsworthy tidbits)
anyway.
so yeah--i took the new car and went home to see my mama, whose quality of medical care has been pure total ass. my mother and father don't ask all that many questions of the doctors, so basically, we have no idea what the heck is wrong. she had a BP spike, was given meds that caused the BP to plummet, they thought she was having a heart attack, so they moved her to a heart clinic where there were tests and drugs that found nothing at all wrong with her. in the process, they gave her a blood clot, fucked up her arm, and sent her home with no charts, no record of what had been done, no scheduled follow-up, and a nasty case of foot and mouth disease. yay. the good news is that she feels better (after a week and a half!)--the bad news is that no one knows wtf happened to her. her follow-up's not till april fucking 9th. this is one of those times when i wish desperately that i lived closer to home so i could help her with this mess. or at the very least, keep her company. i went home for the weekend, but could not stay longer. and for the first time in my life, my mother said to me--i wish you didn't have to go back. this is a woman who asks for nothing from anyone. it made me so sad to leave her, and lord, but i wish i could go back for longer. but you know--pregnant--near the end--kind of need to stay around here. and oh, so much to do before the baby comes.
and oh yeah--he's coming all right. i am less than a month from my due date now, and oddly in denial about it. i hae to keep telling myself that i only have a few more weeks to work/clean/get ready. all those things i don't have from my baby registries, i need to get NOW. i am having weekly appointments with my doctors now, which is actually ok by me. because i have chronic hypertension, i get to have all kinds of extra tests here at the end, which is actually kind of great. they ahve added to my normal regimen (which is go in, pee in a cup, get weighed to find i have gained nothing or gained or lost the pound i keep gaining and losing, make them take my BP manually rather than with the evil machine, knit for 45 minutes, see a doctor for 5 minutes while they measure my belly, check the heartbeat, and ask me if everything's ok, then go to whole foods for a reward muffin and a bottle of water) a nonstress test. this, my friends, is the most awesome thing ever. they put a fetal monitor and a contraction monitor on me, lay be back in a big cushy leather recliner, turn up the volume on the baby's heartbeat, dim the lights, and leave me alone for 20 minutes with nothing to do but hit a little game show button when the baby moves. it's like going to a spa. the baby's heart rate rises and falls and he flails around and i listen and click my button and chill. i'd like to have one of these tests every day. the baby? he's great--super active. tuesday, he measured at 6 pounds and 12 ounces, more than i weighed when i was born.
time is just flying, y'all. i have more to say and no time to say it. there are hats. and pictures of hats. and baby sweaters. stuff about the cats. ultrasound pictures that need to be scanned in. i'll get to it at some point, hopefully... for now, i shall leave you with one final thing. check out the size of this belly!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
news
1) feeling better. had an actual full night's sleep last night (not drug induced!) for the first time in like 2 weeks. still not 100%, but down to 1-2 coughing fits a day. pulled abdominal muscles healing at last. baby very kicky and mobile. good.
2) mother, on the other hand, not as good. she's in the hospital in charlotte and has some unexplained blood pressure spiking, and possible artery damage. she's in good hands it seems, but has had some pain and is exhausted. who knows when she will go home, probably tomorrow. but the scary thing is that it looks like they are not going to be able to figure out the underlying cause of her issues, which means--who knows when it could happen again. YUCK! prayers and good thoughts for my mama, please.
3) bought a new car. gonna get it tomorrow (if all goes well--they are shipping one in that's the color and trim level i want). more on this later. it's awesome though. i suspect i am going to pick it up and drive it straight to my mama, whether i am supposed to be traveling right now or not.
apologies for the sparseness of posts and the blah-ness of things. i've been knitting, but not a ton. i've been working, but that's boring as hell. i've been coughing, but you already know that. things will be better soon, i swear.
2) mother, on the other hand, not as good. she's in the hospital in charlotte and has some unexplained blood pressure spiking, and possible artery damage. she's in good hands it seems, but has had some pain and is exhausted. who knows when she will go home, probably tomorrow. but the scary thing is that it looks like they are not going to be able to figure out the underlying cause of her issues, which means--who knows when it could happen again. YUCK! prayers and good thoughts for my mama, please.
3) bought a new car. gonna get it tomorrow (if all goes well--they are shipping one in that's the color and trim level i want). more on this later. it's awesome though. i suspect i am going to pick it up and drive it straight to my mama, whether i am supposed to be traveling right now or not.
apologies for the sparseness of posts and the blah-ness of things. i've been knitting, but not a ton. i've been working, but that's boring as hell. i've been coughing, but you already know that. things will be better soon, i swear.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
one of those days
so last thursday i left work and came home to escape my hacking coworker. by saturday i was sick. i'm still sick. most of this week, i've been sleeping something like 3 hours a night due to the massive coughing fits i keep having. the doctors keep telling me that this is not hurting the baby in spite of my pulled abdominal muscles and the fact that i have been coughing loudly and deeply enough to, on occasion, send the cats into hiding. bleh. yesterday my doctor called in a prescription for me for some codeine based cough suppressant so i could at least get some sleep. this worked remarkably well. it's ironic to me that when you are knocked up, you get reverted back to remedies that can only be called old school. they actually gave me a narcotic, people. and i took it--exactly as directed. and like clockwork, i woke up coughing 15 minutes before it was time for another dose all night long. i slept between doses like a dead thing. and today, my head is 85% more clear than it's been in a week. but holy shit, the migraine! the migraine i have had all day long was almost not worth the ability to breathe. and the hormones make me feel more sorry for myself than i generally do, so yes, there's been some weeping, too. YUCK! i am sick to death of being sick, people. i feel like i have traded a monthy period for a monthly headcold--one that gets a little worse every month. i am just DONE with this part of being pregnant, this whole no immune system thing. i know it's normal and all, but that doesn't change the fact that it sucks. a lot. anyway. i'm not so much looking for sympathy here as i am just venting. it's been a shitty week, and so far, a shitty weekend. that said, i think i am actually on the mend at last. we'll see--y'all be thinking some good thoughts in this direction!
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