on birthin' babies, part 2

so--where were we... oh yes, the doctors wanted me to schedule a c-section, so i did. i did make my favorite doctor at my practice sit down and use statistics to convince me i was doing the right thing. and in the end, i have to say that, odds of vbac success were so low for me that i think i probably DID do the right thing. there's a part of me that will always wonder...

anyway--the differences between finn's birth and kieran's were nothing short of astounding, for so, so many reasons. here are the highlights:

1) pre-op appointment
for obvious reasons, you don't get this with an unscheduled c-section, and there was a part of me that was like--why do i need this? i've already had one c-section, right? i was so wrong--there's definitely an advantage to this appointment. for example, i learned that with kieran's birth, they gave me a dose of sedatives after he was delivered for no reason at all. this explains why the recovery, first feeding, and eventual move to the post-partum hospital room are all a blur. the doctors could not explain why i was given these drugs and why i wasn't told about it before hand, or even afterwards, but at least i knew enough this time to tell them not to do it. also, at this appointment, we filled out all the admission paperwork and had all the bloodwork done ahead of time, so there was no waiting when we got to the hospital

2) scheduling
with finn, we had a scheduled surgery at 10am on monday morning, which meant we needed to get to the hospital at 8am--perfectly civilized. and we did--we got there on time, went through prep, and had plenty of time to meet the OR nurses in charge of things. the nurses went over what to expect in the OR, what the spinal tap would feel like, and what to alert them about with regard to the drugs i had to have. this was also an opportunity to let the anesthesiologist's nurse know that i wanted no sedatives. she seemed surprised by this, but went with it. everything went as scheduled, and we were out of recovery and in our room at 1:somehting pm.

in sharp contrast to this schedule, with kieran, we had a "scheduled" induction, which means the hospital jerks you around for a day or so then tries to make you come in at 3am to be induced. we ended up with a pitocin drip at noon, fully dilated and pushing by 5pm, the decision to have the c-section at 8:30pm, and birth at 8:49pm. recovery took a while, and we finally got to our post-partum room at 2am.

now, the reason this matters is that, after you have a c-section and after you get to your room, they have to monitor your vitals every 30 minutes for 4 hours, and then they drop it back to every 3 hours. with finn, we were done with this monitoring by 6pm. with kieran, it was 6am. plus with kieran, we were both exhausted from the whole process. this time around, we got some actual rest after the birth--i can't tell you what a difference this makes.

3) expectations
going in for a scheduled c-section, you have nothing but acceptance to deal with. you are no longer hoping for a natural birth, or wondering who's on call, or whether or not you will need pain meds. you have accepted the surgery, chosen your doctor, and are no longer fighting the system. i can't tell you how much this reduces the anxiety for both you and for your partner.

4) drugs
the afore-mentioned sedatives, which i would have utterly rejected, had i known anything about them. what a difference not to have them this time!!! in the OR, i was alert, focussed, and able to talk to the doctors and nurses. in recovery, i could ask questions and understand what was going on. and last, and also most importantly, i was able to focus on finn and jason and myself. finn's first feeding went beautifully, which i think is a credit to the clear head. thank god for the clear head!

5) hospital crowding
when kieran was born, it was in this weird peak period of baby deliveries at our hospital. this means we ended up in the overflow to the overflow to the birth center in a crappy, tiny room with nurses and techs who were either called in from other hospitals or who had worked multiple shifts. they ranged from kind of tired and impatient to outright bitches, with two notable exceptions. we also never had the same nurse twice. this time, there was NO overcrowding at all. we were in an awesome new room in the birth center with the same day and night nurses both days. all of the nurses and techs were helpful and friendly and in good moods because they weren't completely overworked. it's truly amazing what a difference this makes. i wish i had had gifts to give these women.

this is all stuff i didn't know was bad the first time, until it wasn't bad the second time. this time, it felt like cheating, things were so smooth and easy. i am thankful i had good people all around me, in the OR, in recovery, and in the post-partum care. i am also thankful, they let us go home a day early, even though i am still kind of stunned that they let us.

and speaking of thankful, i am thankful i have a healthy baby, that the breastfeeding is going so well this time (which i fully credit to that first latch), and that i have healed beautifully in spite of over-extending myself during recovery. (hard not to with a 2-year-old in the house!)

the only bad thing i can say about the whole experience this time was that i came home with some nasty chemical burns. they hospital changed the type of adhesive they use on the pressure bandages sometime between kieran's birth and finn's. my sensitive skin does NOT like the new adhesive, and my belly was covered in some large, painful burns and blisters that were hiding under the bandage. i discovered them when removing the bandage--VERY unpleasant. but still--nothing some neosporin hadn't fixed up in a couple of weeks.

again--i would never encourage anyone to choose surgery over a natural birth. i will ALWAYS wish natural birth had been an option for me. and maybe it was, but not without defying a doctor i trust and possibly risking my or the baby's health. not worth the risk.

in conclusion--second birth experience WAY better than the first.

on birthin' babies, part one

as i write this, it's 2am, and i am nursing my new boy. finn william coposky was born at 10:27am on monday, july 12th. he weighed 7lb. 13 oz. and was 20 inches long. he's the sweetest thing ever, and so far, everyrhing about him has been criminally easy. i can't even begin to tell you how lucky i feel to have two super-healthy babies at my "advanced maternal age" or really, at any age. given all that can go wrong in the development and birth of a baby, i know full well what a miracle i have on my hands. and dear lord, i am thankful!

let's talk a minute about birth, which has become such an industry in the US. y'all know me well enough by now to get that, given the choice, i'd rather have had my boys naturally than any other way, and that it hasn't been an optuin for me. when kieran was born, by blood pressure was slowly creeping up at the end, which means that my doctora were pressuring me to induce. i still, and will always, wish i could go back in time and fight for more time. actually, i'd love to go back and get a midwife, but this is because i didn't know then what i know now. but i digress... anyway. with the critter, i was induced 4 days after my due date and ended up having a c-section after full labor and 3.5 hours of nonstop pushing. not the best experience.

things were pretty different this time around.

this time, i never developed the gestational hypertension we were all waiting for. they monitored the crap out of me, but there was nevernany sugn of any problem whatsoever. however, given the facts of the first birth, my odds of a successful vaginal birth this tume were on the order of 25%. couple that with the fact that the doctors really didn't want me to go past my due date given my age, the size of the baby, my blood pressure issues, and my personal risk of developing pre-eclampsia, and with the hippie's desire to never watch me go through that whole meaa again, and i decided not to buck the system. i had a scheduled c-section 3 days before my due date.

now, let me make two points:

1) all of my doctors recommended that i schedule the surgery on my actual due date to give my body as much time as possible to go into labor on its own. however, the hospital schedule was full, so it wasn't an option. neither was the day after. then it was the weekend, and they don't schedule them on the weekend. they didn't wabt me to wait as long as the following monday, so... you start looking the other direction. the due date was a thursday. the doctor on call on wednesday is the dude who atripped my membranes last tine without talking to me about it. tuesday was doctor death--no thanks--i'd rather have my mother do the surgery. monday waa the doctor i trust the most, with whom the hippie was most comfortable, and who delivered the critter. dora that seem like a no-brainer to anyone else?

2) all of this said, if you are pregnant, i would encourage you to try a natural birth, with a midwife if possible. and if it's not possible, then choose your practice carefully. and do not be afraid to trust your instincts and stand up for what you want. listen to the doctors, but make your own decisions, and don't let them bully you. they will. keep in mind that your doctor, no matter his opinion of himself, is just a person and not the boss of you. you are an intelligent, grown woman. read. learn the facts. ask queations. be a pain in the ass. and if, after all that, you need medical help, take it! and if you end up with a medicalized birth, try not to feel like you have failed. harder than it sounds, but important.

ok the kid has finished eating, and i am about to pass out, so i am going to finish this tomorrow with a discussion of what all was different about this c-section and the previous one. so many things made this such a different experience!

pregnancy update: entering the home stretch

34 weeks

seriously, people--only 6 weeks to go. i've been sailing though the past month, refusing to stress over anything, and telling everyone, including myself, that june is my get-my-shit-together month. it is upon me. i spent my lunch hour today ordering stuff for the baby's room. i have an official registry set up for the shower some friends are unexpectedly throwing for me. i have a plan of attack. what i am trying to do now is quell the sudden urge to repaint the new baby's room. so far, the urge seems to be winning, in spite of the fact that the room is a lovely green that's perfectly acceptable. i long for a light, clear, teal. *sigh*

anyway. pregnancy is progressing normally, in spite of the dire predictions of the horrible death-focused doctor at my practice. it's also not without its concerns, in spite of the pie-in-the-sky doctor's assessment. it's funny how well you get to know these doctors when you are on your second round with them and going in twice a week for tests. if anything is going to make me ill, it's the fact that i am spending too much time there. lol.

anyway, as you all know, i have had high blood pressure since my youth, which means there are things they watch for when you get pregnant, especially if you are 40. they monitor my BP of course, as well as the baby's size, the fluid levels in my uterus, the placental function, esp as related to the variation in the baby's heart rate, my weight, my kidney function, and any tiny signs that i might be becoming pre-eclamptic. well, so far--everything is a-ok. the baby is gigantic, my BP is running lower than it has since i was 16, there's no sign of anything wrong anywhere.

dr. death still talks about stillbirth a lot. dr. sunshine gives me unrealistic statistics for VBAC success and the ability to let nature take its course. dr. reality--the dr. who performed my surgery with the critter, is somewhere in the middle. it's pretty likely that i will end up with a c-section with him again this time. i am trying to come to terms with that, although it's still depressing to me that i am most likely not ever going to experience a natural labor and delivery myself. i am somewhere between the anger and acceptance phases of my grief over this. i keep reminding myself that the healthy mama and baby at the end of this process is the goal. but it doesn't change the sadness at the lack of control and over not being able to let nature do its thing without taking a bunch of possibly unnecessary risks.

anyway. my point here was--i'm feeling pretty good. the baby's doing great. we're sailing into the home stretch. my belly is huge, and once again, it's hard to believe it can get any bigger, though i know it can...

on the down side, i am bone tired. i am getting up probably 5 times a night with either leg cramps or to pee, or both. i have considered naps at red lights more than once in the past couple of days. my gums are so bleedy, it looks like someone has punched me in the mouth every time i brush my teeth. my pants are all falling off because the baby is stealing my ass much like his big brother did.

on the upside--he's a mobile little critter, and i am firmly in the land-sharking phase of this pregnancy. it's comforting really, having all that motion from him--let's me know every day that he's ok in there. i am motivated as all get out to Get Things Done. i have a temp lined up for my leave. i am eating all the cookies i want.

could be much worse.

pregnancy update: snakes, snails, and quilts

19 weeks, 5 days

so it's taken me a few days to get around to posting anything, because well--life is busy. and also--hello? i'm pregnant and tired. but anyway. the level 2 ultrasound was last thursday, and it was all good. we're having another boy, which is really bittersweet for me. i am happy for the critter to get a little brother, and i'm REALLY glad to have a healthy and normal baby above all things. but it's hard to let go of the idea of ever having a girl. it was a little bit this way when i found out the critter was a boy, too, but then, there was at least the possibility that we would have another baby. this time, we really hope to be done. so this time, it's really the last chance for a girl. and while i love my boy, and i love the idea of two of them running around together, and while i love the bond that brothers share, there is a part of me that will always mourn the loss of pigtails and dresses and ribbons, and a daughter who might have loved my grandmother's china. this is life, right? greener grass and all that. all of that said--yay for another little boy! i hope he and the critter will be great friends for life like my brothers have been. and also--yay for getting to reuse all those cute and adorable clothes i have bought over the past two years, or at least some of them.

here's what the little man looks like right now:

there were more pictures of him, but these are the most clear. and further, i don't think i need to post the pics of the man parts, even in utero! i will tell you that he spent half the ultrasound sucking his thumb and the other half investigating those parts. there is no doubt that this baby is all boy. lol.

so i've been shopping for stuff for his room, and i've been wholly uninspired by what's availble. it's all either too formal to just too damned blue. i like blue a lot, but man--they really pour it on for the baby boys.i get a little overwhelmed by it. i want more than one color in the room, and i don't want it too pastel or too crayola primary either. tough. the only alternative to that seems to be formal. yuck. so anyway--i've been poking around on etsy for ideas, and found this quilt:

it's from an etsy shop called red staggerwing designs, and i love it! i love the amy butler fabrics in it, and i love that it's blue, but not ALL blue, and green, but not all green, and that it has many colors in it. i pounced on it, and i can't wait for it to arrive. i am going to make a blanket for this new baby boy like the one i made for the critter, but in a lovely dove grey, and i will use these two pieces to start designing a new nursery. yay! and maybe by the time i get around to picking out things like a bumper pad, there will be something out there i like that doesn't cost $400+.

tired...

i'd like a day off. a real one. an actual day where no one needs me to do anything for them and there's no laundry to fold and nothing to wash or dust or anything, and no one's nose to wipe or diaper to change. i'd like to sit on the sofa and read or knit or whatever. maybe all alone. maybe take a nap if things got really out of hand. and while i'm over here in fantasy land, i'll take someone else doing all the cooking for that day, too. because sheesh. mama is tired. bone-ass fucking super-weary. i don't even have the energy to wish for more energy--i just want to lie down.

this probably has something to do with it. but still. *yawn*

i need a day off, y'all.

gone, baby, gone

so this will be news for some of you, and not for others. for those of you reading this and thinking--wow--who knew? i am so sorry for not talking to you in person about this. it's a conversation i just can't have over and over again, but for some reason, i feel like writing about it. so i am.

i took last week off. my nanny was having foot surgery, the hippie's sister was supposed to be in town all week, i was tired, and i missed my baby. once in a while, as a working mother, it's nice to take a week and pretend you're a stay-at-home mother instead. but anyway. i took the week off.

at the beginning of last week, i was about 6 weeks pregnant. now, i am not. over the course of the past week or so, i lost that pregnancy, and now, i am just me again, instead of me and a little growing bit. and folks, it's a weird feeling. i am rational--i know that losing an early pregnancy is unbelievably common. and i know that it means something, somewhere, in the nothing-short-of-a-miracle process of making a baby from a couple of rogue cells went wrong, and that's all there is to it. i didn't drink, smoke, eat a slew of high-mercury fish and bacteria-laden cold cuts. i didn't take up cage fighting, or start riding horses out of the blue. this shit just happens sometimes. and in some ways, i actually feel lucky. i didn't have a life-threatening ectopic pregnancy. i didn't have uncontrollable bleeding or a tremendous amount of pain. i didn't not know what was going on. i don't need a D&C to complete the process. my body just said--hey--this ain't right--and took care of it. ah, nature... what a bitch!

so it's weird. there's a sense of loss and emptyness, but i think far less than if you lose a baby later in a pregnancy. there's also an odd sense of just wanting it to be over if it's going to be over, so i can let it go and move on. and not to get all graphic, but i am so sick of the sight and smell of blood, i can't even tell you.

somewhat unexpectedly, it's made me feel incredibly closer to the family i have. i want to hold kieran so tight and never let him go. i want the hippie to sleep so close beside me that we are like one person. i want to hole up in the house with my family and not let anyone in or out for a month. i have more love than ever for them. where's it coming from? am i trying to protect what i have? i am honestly not sure. but it's a crazy side effect of this crap, that's for sure.

in the end, i am fine. we are fine. this was yet another accidental pregnancy for us--lord help us all if/when we actually decide to TRY to get pregnant. either we won't be able to, or i'll have triplets. lol.

ok--enough about that.

on an utterly different topic--i'm 40. when the hell did THAT sneak up on me? i don't feel any different, but there it is. where's that Box of Badass i was supposed to get when that happened? i DID get a brand new macBook pro and a whole bunch of unexpected guests over the weekend, plus a slew of other unexpected gifts. and a party. what i really want is a do-over week off, which i will get in a couple of weeks when we go to the beach. maybe i'll manage to get through at least registering the macBook by then. i have a real problem with time lately. there's just not enough.

when that Box of Badass arrives, i would like it to contain the following: some ID's for covert international travel, some plane tickets, a few interesting firearms, lots and lots of cash in various currencies, the ability to speak 9 languages of my choosing, PhD's in planetary science and mechanical engineering, some hidden macGuyver capabilities, black belts in at least 3 martial arts styles, and definitely, DEFINITELY the superpower that allows me to stop time for everyone but me so i can get some shit done and then take a nap before things turn on again.

birth, one month later

i wanted a natural birth, but things just don't always happen the way you want them to. medical complications arise, making me thankful for modern medicine. there are so many women i know who would have died in childbirth a hundred years ago who, today, were saved by intervention and are now heathy mothers of healthy children. i guess i am probably one of these.

the hospital called us at 5am to come in for the induction. i admit i ignored that call in favor of a couple more hours of sleep. after waiting literally all night for them to call, i decided they could wait for me for a couple of hours. starting labor pissed off and exhausted just seemed like a really terrible idea. we slept till 7, took showers, ate some breakfast, and went for a tiny short walk. i was still having irregular contractions, but nothing steady. we got to the hospital at about 8:30 am. they checked us in, iv'ed me, hooked me up to the worst, most awful blood pressure cuff in the history of humanity, and broke my water. the hippie and i walked. and walked. and walked the halls, to no avail. nothing happened. so at around noon, they started a pitocin drip--a very, very low dose of it, which was all it took. somewhere in the transition phase, i had a hit of staydol, which the hippie said basically turned me into that college roommate who gets drunk and doesn't know when to shut up about his girlfriend. i do NOT like that shit, man. the good thing is that it let me rest for a second between the nasty contractions, but that was not worth the feeling of being unfocussed and out of control it gave me. thank god it wore off pretty quickly! by 5:30pm i was 9.5cm dilated. by 6, i was pushing for all i was worth. when i started pushing, the baby was at 0 station. after two and a half hours of pushing, he was still at 0 station. absolutely no progress whatsoever. the doctor told me i could keep going, but that he was pretty sure the baby was stuck and was not going to descend on his own. so. we ended up having a cesarean after all that.

they turned off the pitocin, and everything intensified--my body would not stop trying to push the baby out, and i could not stop pushing any more than i could stop breathing at that point. those few minutes between realizing i wasn't going to deliver the baby on my own and arriving in the O.R. are probably the worst of my life. the details are blurry, but i recall offering the anesthesiologist a couple hundred extra bucks to hurry the hell up, and i am SURE i was screaming obscenities in the hallway as they wheeled me out. my mama would be so proud. once we were in the O.R., it seemed like it was all over in about 4 minutes. the hippie's favorite part of the whole thing is where i mistook him for the anesthesiologist and was all concerned that he had missed the whole thing. he was right there by my side the whole time, and i was just too out of it to realize it. ugh.

the recovery seemed to take a hundred years. the baby was born at 8:49pm, but we didn;t arrive in the postpartum room until after 1am. i have never been so tired or so hungry in my life. they would only allow me liquids, but i was so hungry it was all manna from heaven to me. i was all--yay chicken broth! yay jello! yay lemon ice pop! i ate every bit of what they gave me and drank about 8 cups of water. and i stared at the baby for half the night, exhausted but too wired to sleep. the hippie and i both tried to sleep, but between the extreme heat in our room, the newness of the baby, and the nurses coming in to check my vitals every 20 minutes, there was little sleep to be had. to me, the worst part of the whole experience was being confined to the bed and unable to move around--i was unbelievably relieved the next day when they finally let me get up! and can we just say--UNHOLY HUNGER?!! i have never eaten so much so fast in my life, and i was still hungry.

anyway. the birth was not what i had hoped it would be, but i really feel like i did everything i could to get that baby out without help. i don't have that feeling of failure or disappointment in mysefl that some women feel when they have a c-section after labor. if we ever decided to have another baby, i can tell you that we would just schedule a c-section. the liklihood that i would develop the exact same set of problems the second time around is just too high to go through all that again. that's just life i guess--things don't always happen how you want them to, and you just have to be flexible. and you know--in the end--the healthy baby is worth whatever it takes, right?

that's enough for now--i will post some new pictures and a baby update tomorrow.

waiting...

and waiting...

having contractions that won't regulate, although they are fairly steady. as of 8am this morning when i went for my regular doctor's appointment, the baby was fine and i was fine. things are progressing normally for a first time labor--that is, slow as shit.

meanwhile the hospital was supposed to call me at 7am to tell me when to come in for my induction. no one called. at 8pm i called them, got put on hold forever to learn that there were no beds open and there are many deliveries in progress as we speak. so. someone is supposed to call me by 10pm to tell me when to come in. nothing like going in in the middle of the night when you aren't exactly in labor yet.

although who knows, maybe it will give me enough time to go into labor on my own. i am half way there anyway. i am going to go take yet another walk to keep from losing my mind. then i am going to eat everything in the house since the hospital won't let you eat anything once you check in. plus, i have been inexplicably starving all day.

my blood pressure is fine. everything's fine. we're just waiting...

ps--if you've called and failed to reach me, please don't be offended. i just can't face being on the phone right now. i will let everyone know once there's something to tell.

UPDATE 11:27pm--no call from the hospital. fuck 'em. i'm going to bed. this baby's going to come out on his own anyway--contractions are getting closer and stronger without interference, so i am just going to go sleep while i can. sometime soon we'll have a baby, but god only knows exactly WHEN at this point.

happy due date to me!

40 weeks. hard to believe. and now all i want to do is get this baby out asap. come on baby! go go go! all of y'all, light candles, build altars, pray, and hope with me that this baby comes out this weekend all by himeself.

and since i am tired of talking and thinking about my pregnancy, here we feature the finished baby bolero, the only newborn sized garment i have knitted for the baby. and soon, he will be in it, stylin' and looking all cute. the pattern is from leigh radford's one skein book, and i knitted the body of it in about a minute. I changed the top shoulder seam from a real seam to a 3-needle bind off, and i had intended to change the sleeves from the way they are written to top-down and in the round. however, i stalled on that, as it required thought and math, and i just decided to go for the easier path and make them as written. i have read before that it was difficult to attach the sleeves, and i think the cause is generally that the row gauge is different for so many people. but me and leigh radford--we have identical gauges. always. in every pattern of hers i have ever touched. so anyway--this is one skein of blue sky alpacas organic cotton in willow, knitted with 8's and 9's. i love the little motif on the back, and i love how well it came out. i think it's going to fit my baby for maybe 5 minutes, but that's ok. i wanted him to have something to wear that i had made for him from the beginning. :)

as for the bottom picture, that's my belly eclipsing the bolero being modeled by my favorite of the baby's toys so far: abima. he's one of two uglydolls we've gotten for the baby, and i LOVE him. he's coming to the hospital with us...

knowledge is power

so i had another doctor's appointment today, and it was with my favorite doctor. and well--he kind of brushed off my concerns and questions and didn't tell me a lot. he talked about scheduling an induction for me for next week, and i was like--why so soon? a month ago, the same guy was talking about letting me go for two weeks past my due date. and the explanation was the same as i keep getting from all of them: we don't like to let hypertensive patients go too far beyond their due date. to which i ask--why? what can go wrong? if the baby is fine and i am fine, then why interfere? and he didn't really answer these questions--all they tell me is that i could develop complications. and i have to say, duh. you can always develop complications--why am i any different than anyone else? no one at the practice has ever really answered that.

so he went ahead and scheduled an induction for me for next monday night, when the doctor from monday will be on call. i objected, of course, but was over-ruled with this assurance: don't worry--he's a good deliverer.

frustrating.

so.

i came home to google. and after reading a LOT, i think i actually finally understand the concerns they have. and after understanding the concerns, i actually AGREE with the doctors. this baby needs to come out soon.

here's the thing: i have chronic hypertension--i have had it since i was 17 years old, and for the past 6 years (since a VERY scary BP spike that gave me an unstoppable nosebleed and a trip to the emergency room where my BP was still 172/120 two hours after the bleeding stopped--this was later described as a stroke in my nasal passage), i have been on medication for it. it's well managed. when i got pregnant, the first thing i did was change medications, and all was well. in the past month and a half, the BP has been very slowly creeping up. they upped my meds, but it's had little effect. and while my BP is still in the non-dangerous range, it IS still going up, and what's key here is the difference between what it was early in my pregnancy versus what it is now. from reading this awesome (although scary) page that actually explains this, it seems like i am developing gestational hypertension on top of my chronic hypertension. this is actually a worst case scenario for both me and for the baby. it means that in addition to the complications i already know about (pre-eclamspsia, low fetal growth, premature aging of the placenta, low amniotic fluid levels), none of which i have at all, there are also a host of complications that can develop in the 11th hour, even if my whole pregnancy has been nothing but healthy and beautiful. these are the Bad Ones (HELLP, eclampsia, and the like) that can cause seizures, liver and kidney failure, and death of me or the baby or both. the more my BP goes up, the more likely these complications become, and the longer i remain pregnant, the more my BP will go up--it's on a very predictable curve right now. the cure? get the baby out. so. yeah.

you see what i mean? what a difference it makes to know and understand that! it really IS dangerous for me to continue this pregnancy much longer, in spite of the fact that i feel fine--great even. hypertension is a hidden dragon, and if it strikes--it can happen so fast that there's no time to react.

why is it i have to figure this out for myself instead of getting it from my doctors?

and so--to that. the interesting thing here is that my monday doctor, who i still believe royally screwed up, is the only one who listens to my questions and answers them seriously. and looking back at my conversation with him after The Incident, i now get that he was actually starting to explain all this to me. he was saying that they would want to induce me soon after my due date because the complications that could arise in a case like mine were fast and unpresictable. and i think he could tell that i was too upset at the time to really hear him. he said--i think i am getting ahead of myself trying to discuss induction when you are so upset. and he was right. i just wish my doctor today had really explained the WHY of things to me better before just going ahead and scheduling the induction and kind of railroading me. all i need is communication and understanding. and oddly enough, i think i am more likely to get it from the monday doctor than from just about anyone else. so maybe the fact that my induction is scheduled with him on monday is a Good Thing.

i have been a good patient with these guys, and very cooperative. i have done EVERYTHING they have wanted me to. i have asked a ton of questions the whole way through. i have gone to every appointment, missed none, been late for none, taken the recommended classes, read the recommended reading, monitored my blood pressure at home religiously. it's a little sad that things with the doctors have become so tense and difficult here at the end. i feel like they are communicating things worse now than ever before, when i am actually developing some potentially very serious complications that, to me, warrant more explanation, not less. now is no time to NOT take the time to explain things to me. i still believe that the doctors in the practice are good doctors. i believe that they will take good care of me and the baby, no matter what happens. i just wish they would communicate my care to me better.

sometimes it is pretty hard not to look at doctors and say--i am as smart as you are, man. my degrees are just in different subjects. and it's MY body and MY child's body on the line, and you need to make me understand wtf is up. maybe i should try that...

anyway.

the bottom line here is that i am feeling awesome, and the baby is doing great for now. i am having some contractions, but they haven't regulated. i am hoping and praying that i go into real labor asap and that this baby gets a chance to come on out on his own. i am hoping and praying i will be able to help him out with that without drugs or intervention of any kind. but you know what? if not, then well--he's still gotta get out of there. and if that means induction on monday, then ok. and if that means i have an emergency c-section because that induction doesn't work out, then ok, too. i just want a healthy baby and a healthy me.

and i am pretty calm. my BP is holding steady and i am checking it evvery couple of hours. i am packing things to go to the hospital as soon as it's time to go. i am hanging onto images of putting the baby's fat little feet into the sand, images of him sleeping like a bean on my chest, images of him walking unsteadily across the floor scaring the crap out of the cats... everything's gonna be alright.

better day

i REALLY appreciate all the comments and stories from yesterday, people. it makes me feel so much better to know that others would feel (and have felt) similar rages over things like this, although it deeply saddens me to learn how common such things are. of all times to feel like the doctors aren't listening to you!!!

just for a quick update, i wanted to let you all know i feel SO MUCH better today. the bleeding i have had since The Incident on monday has finally subsided, and the cramping has tapered off, and i am actually back to feeling really good physically. the baby's low, and i have some pressure, but now it's back to me being able to read the signals my body is sending me. my head is in a much better place as well--after an hour and a half on the phone venting everything out to my best friend, i feel like i am mentally ready to face whatever comes. i am guesiing that this baby is going to be born pretty soon, although probably not in the next 24 hours. tomorrow i have the second of my two weekly doctor's appointments, and it's with my favorite doctor in my pracite--the one i trust the most and the one whose treatment philisophy is most in line with what i want and feel is right for me and our baby. i am actually looking forward to seeing him. today is a way better day...

ps--jackass goes off call at 5pm tomorrow. think good thoughts for me having this baby friday night when the fave doctor's on call. :)

invasion

what do you do if a doctor you have known and trusted for years tells you he's "going to do a quick cervical check" on you and then starts stripping your membranes without thought, warning, discussion, or consent and against your explicity stated desires? if you are me, you throw the biggest fit you have ever pitched in a public place and become so angry you can't stop shaking and crying and screaming. i am still so angry about this, i can't think or talk about it without my face turning red and my eyes tearing up. he didn't get far, due to me realizing somthing was up, asking questions, and writhing away from him across the exam table the second i knew what he was doing. and he surely will not be doing anything like this to me again since i plan never to see him again--ever. this is just too much of a trust violation for me to overcome. now i am doing everything i can to avoid going into labor until he's safely off call at 5pm on thursday--we'll see how that goes. i am sitting or lying down all the time, not lifting anything at all, being as still and calm as i can be, considering how horribly angry i still am.

i know that to some women, stripping of membranes is not a big deal, but to me, it is. and i have made that known. to have it done without my knowledge or consent or even any warning that it was coming is a violation akin to rape. not to mention how painful it was. the ONLY good thing i can say is that the doctor admitted fault, admitted that my anger was totally justified and did not try to minimize my reaction in any way. he admitted that he still had a lot to learn.

i had a whole discussion with him afterward, through my weeping, in which i made it very very clear that i want NO invasive procedures, NO drugs, NO anything done to me or the baby without discussion, strong medical need, AND consent. i thought i had already made that clear, but apparently not. it sucks that we live in a society where you have to defend yourself, your body, and your unborn baby against the people who are supposed to be taking care of you.

you know, the thing is--i am not against medicine, and i am not against intervention. thank god that intervention is available when it's needed. what i AM against is intervention when it's unnecessary. and it seems to me that the doctors are so afraid of being attacked for not doing enough that they end up doing TOO MUCH instead. for me, if i am ok, and the baby is ok, then get your goddamned ungloved unsanitized fingers the fuck away from my cervix.

the worst part is that now i am filled with dread about going into labor too soon when the doctors i don't trust are on call. and here at the end, when i have been feeling so good and loving my belly, i should be excited and filled with anticipation. instead, i am angry, frustrated, depressed, and i feel like i have lost control of my experience before labor has even begun. i am worried and filled with anxiety. i am cramping and bleeding, when i was totally great right up until he started messing with me. it sucks and it's not fair, and it makes me want to become an advocate of medical rights.

anyway--enough ranting about it. what will be will be. i am going to go lay quietly on my side, neglect all the things i would be doing were i not afraid of going into labor before 5pm on thursday, and just try to be calm. i need to let go of all this anger, but i am not sure how to do it.

39 weeks

i feel like a ripe peach. i look down at my body, and i feel like i must resemble one of those african fertility goddess statues i have seen carved from soapstone and tiger wood and the like. it's so odd. amazing and cool, but still odd. i am not tired of being pregnant. i am not dying to get the baby out. i feel pretty good, even though he's lower down now, and things are moving. as of last monday, i was 85% effaced and dilated 1 cm. i'm having some contractions here and there, but nothing regular yet. this baby could come today, or he could come in a week. it's unclear. the only clear thing is that my belly is a big ol' thing now:

wait, there's one other clear thing these days: i am damned tired of going to the doctor's office. i have been going twice a week for a few weeks now, and i am kind of done with that part. DONE. i am sick of the two idiot nurses and wish i could somehow guarantee that i could get the Good Nurse every time i go in there. i am tired of the one doctor i don't like who over-reacts and talks too much about invasive and unnecessary procedures and uses words like fetal demise in my presense. in fact, i told them flat out i do not want to see her anymore. she stresses me out. i wish i could talk the baby into coming when one of my two favorites is on call, but i am well aware that the little beastie will come when he's ready, not when i'm ready. that said--this weekend would be awesome--one of the favored two doctors is on call all weekend, plus bonus--meredith will be here. nearly ideal.

anyway. the baby is doing great. i am doing great. in sppite of my high blood pressure, which continues to creep up, there's no sign that it's negatively impacting either me or the baby. good. keep that up, body. the two doctors i love are on board with us just letting things unfold as they will. the other two like to talk about inducing me and stripping my membranes and all kinds of things there's no reason to do. don't get me wrong--if this baby goes into distress of any kind, or if i start demonstrating any signs of problems, then by all means, interfere! get the baby out if we need to. but as long as all these tests i keep having every 5 minutes say everything is fine, then you know--shut the hell up, medical people, and let me just do this. and quit running negative scenarios for me, too. i can read, and i am reasonably intelligent, and i know the scenarios. i can run them just fine for myself, thanks.

yeah--i think i am getting a little grumpy over here. it's been a long week. people i need keep flaking out on me. i am so happy it's the weekend. i want some Down Time, and some time away from people constantly asking me, "when's your due date? do you know if you are having a boy or a girl? what will you name him? are you miserable yet? are you just ready to get that baby out?" somewhere areound 32 weeks, i should have just had some shirts made up with the answers to these questions on them. (yep. definitely grumpy.)

in other news, it's going to be something like a month before i get my car back. boo.

in still other news, it's friday, and i think i am going to go home early.

sweet face

this is from the march 25th ultrasound. the tech was nice enough to turn on the 3D imaging for us so we could see the baby's little face. he looks just like a real baby!

full term

today is the end of week 37, which means that if i go into labor now, they won't stop it from happening. from now until may 10th, it's all a waiting game. that said, this baby is up in my lungs and hasn't dropped a bit, so i am nowhere near delivery yet. and he better not come in the next couple of weeks until i can get my temp trained to take over! (hear that, baby? don't be born till the 26th!) people keep asking me--are you miserable yet? that's how they ask. not--how are you feeling--but--are you miserable? and the truth is...no! i feel better now than i have in ages. no coughing. no sickness. the baby is high and active, and i am loving watching my belly pitch and roll every time i sit still for 5 minutes. he's so active that i have become something of a rock star at the doctor's office. all the doctors and nurses ooo and ahhh over my nonstress charts, and how much he moves, and how well his movements match up with his increases in heart rate. as of next week, i will have one ultrasound and two nonstress tests (NSTs) a week till he comes. this is utter overkill, but it's the doctor's office protecting themselves agains malpractice.

this week's appointment was anything but non-stressful. when i have an NST and a regular drive-by exam scheduled, the entire visit should take about 30 minutes. this week it took over two hours. i waited 40 minutes to have the NST, and then the nurse left me alone for the 20-minute test--for 45 minutes. after 30 minutes, the baby flipped over and the fetal monitor lost his heartbeat, so i rang the little bell she gave me to call her in in case something was wrong. no response. rang it again. no response. 5 times. then the alarms ont he fetal monitor went off because it thought the baby was dead since it's gone with no heartbeat for so long. loud beeping went on for 10 minutes. finally, i just gave up. i unstrapped myself from all the stuff, lumbered up out of the recliner, wiped the goo off my belly, turned off all the monitors, and went in search of the nurse. she was up front checking in new patients. further, she failed to keep an exam room open for me, so my doctor ended up doing my drive-by in the testing room, which was both weird and awkward. lord, but i was ANGRY! i have to say that if they want me in there twice a week--they are going to have to be more efficient. i am all for my doctor, but i am not loving his negligent nurse. anyway--both of next week's appointments are with different doctors who have different nurses, so we'll see...

all tales of medical woe aside, i can tell my body is getting ready. it's pretty amazing. aside from all the physical stuff you expect at the end of a pregnancy, i think something in my head is working on getting ready, too. i have been having dreams about birth. not stressful dreams, but more like rememberances from past lives or something. last night i dreamed i gave birth alone in the woods. i was leaning up against an enormous tree with these huge gnarled roots--half leaning and half squatting in between the roots. and the baby was a girl and she fell a few inches when she was born into this pile of leaves i had made for her. i picked her up and used my hands to clean the gook out of her mouth and pat her on the back so she could get started breating on her own, and then i lifted her up onto my chest and leaned back against the tree with her on me. it was messy and earthy and felt unbelievably real. i woke up and my first thought was--oh, that was that other birth. bizarre, and oddly, kind of cool, too.

out with the old... (and other newsworthy tidbits)

yep--that's right. i bought a new car. my car sales guy was awesome. i just went to look at it, but then--he gave me everything i wanted. i was forced to ask myself, "self? what are you waiting for?" the answer was that i was waiting for the car fairy to give me $20k so i didn't have to start paying for a car. and since THAT wasn't going to happen, i sucked it up and bought the thing. the good news is that my once-rather-damaged credit is now such that i was able to do it all by myself like an actual grownup. whoo hoo! and the new car is so far--AWESOME! it's a 2008 mazda 5, something like a cross between a car and a minivan. it's going to be great for wrangling the squeaker, and it's going to be awesome for road trips. in fact, i took it on one the day after i got it from the dealership. so much more comfortable than my sentra was, it's not even funny. my sentra served me well for 11 years, but it was just time for me to move on. always odly bittersweet for me--letting go of something that's been in my life that long...

anyway.

so yeah--i took the new car and went home to see my mama, whose quality of medical care has been pure total ass. my mother and father don't ask all that many questions of the doctors, so basically, we have no idea what the heck is wrong. she had a BP spike, was given meds that caused the BP to plummet, they thought she was having a heart attack, so they moved her to a heart clinic where there were tests and drugs that found nothing at all wrong with her. in the process, they gave her a blood clot, fucked up her arm, and sent her home with no charts, no record of what had been done, no scheduled follow-up, and a nasty case of foot and mouth disease. yay. the good news is that she feels better (after a week and a half!)--the bad news is that no one knows wtf happened to her. her follow-up's not till april fucking 9th. this is one of those times when i wish desperately that i lived closer to home so i could help her with this mess. or at the very least, keep her company. i went home for the weekend, but could not stay longer. and for the first time in my life, my mother said to me--i wish you didn't have to go back. this is a woman who asks for nothing from anyone. it made me so sad to leave her, and lord, but i wish i could go back for longer. but you know--pregnant--near the end--kind of need to stay around here. and oh, so much to do before the baby comes.

and oh yeah--he's coming all right. i am less than a month from my due date now, and oddly in denial about it. i hae to keep telling myself that i only have a few more weeks to work/clean/get ready. all those things i don't have from my baby registries, i need to get NOW. i am having weekly appointments with my doctors now, which is actually ok by me. because i have chronic hypertension, i get to have all kinds of extra tests here at the end, which is actually kind of great. they ahve added to my normal regimen (which is go in, pee in a cup, get weighed to find i have gained nothing or gained or lost the pound i keep gaining and losing, make them take my BP manually rather than with the evil machine, knit for 45 minutes, see a doctor for 5 minutes while they measure my belly, check the heartbeat, and ask me if everything's ok, then go to whole foods for a reward muffin and a bottle of water) a nonstress test. this, my friends, is the most awesome thing ever. they put a fetal monitor and a contraction monitor on me, lay be back in a big cushy leather recliner, turn up the volume on the baby's heartbeat, dim the lights, and leave me alone for 20 minutes with nothing to do but hit a little game show button when the baby moves. it's like going to a spa. the baby's heart rate rises and falls and he flails around and i listen and click my button and chill. i'd like to have one of these tests every day. the baby? he's great--super active. tuesday, he measured at 6 pounds and 12 ounces, more than i weighed when i was born.

time is just flying, y'all. i have more to say and no time to say it. there are hats. and pictures of hats. and baby sweaters. stuff about the cats. ultrasound pictures that need to be scanned in. i'll get to it at some point, hopefully... for now, i shall leave you with one final thing. check out the size of this belly!

one of those days

so last thursday i left work and came home to escape my hacking coworker. by saturday i was sick. i'm still sick. most of this week, i've been sleeping something like 3 hours a night due to the massive coughing fits i keep having. the doctors keep telling me that this is not hurting the baby in spite of my pulled abdominal muscles and the fact that i have been coughing loudly and deeply enough to, on occasion, send the cats into hiding. bleh. yesterday my doctor called in a prescription for me for some codeine based cough suppressant so i could at least get some sleep. this worked remarkably well. it's ironic to me that when you are knocked up, you get reverted back to remedies that can only be called old school. they actually gave me a narcotic, people. and i took it--exactly as directed. and like clockwork, i woke up coughing 15 minutes before it was time for another dose all night long. i slept between doses like a dead thing. and today, my head is 85% more clear than it's been in a week. but holy shit, the migraine! the migraine i have had all day long was almost not worth the ability to breathe. and the hormones make me feel more sorry for myself than i generally do, so yes, there's been some weeping, too. YUCK! i am sick to death of being sick, people. i feel like i have traded a monthy period for a monthly headcold--one that gets a little worse every month. i am just DONE with this part of being pregnant, this whole no immune system thing. i know it's normal and all, but that doesn't change the fact that it sucks. a lot. anyway. i'm not so much looking for sympathy here as i am just venting. it's been a shitty week, and so far, a shitty weekend. that said, i think i am actually on the mend at last. we'll see--y'all be thinking some good thoughts in this direction!

contrast

1. i am with my sister. i am holding an ill-fitting oxygen mask just off her face to keep it from cutting her skin and watching her contraction progress on the machine as the fetal monitor plays for us the sound of her baby's ever-lowering heart rate. the contraction passes, and the heart rate stabilizes. nurses whisper in the corner. when my sister holds her breath, so do i. she won't let go of my hand--she is too alone and utterly afraid. they are getting ready to wheel her into the delivery room, which is separate from the labor room--a bad design. she won't let go, and her doctor throws a gown on me and i am dragged along. i watch her and touch her and talk to her as she labors, as she sqeezes the handles on the birthing table so tightly that the IV needle creeps out of her hand. the staff is worried. the get out a vacuum extractor and literally pull the baby out of my sister's body. the baby girl is bright blue--so blue she seems made of plastic and not flesh. they take her limp body away to the corner, under hot, bright lights, and she is surrounded by people. my sister and i are alone. my sister is almost unconscious but is weeping, tears sliding down her face as she begs me to tell her the baby is ok. long silent minutes pass, and i wonder what i will say to my sister if her baby dies. finally, a little weak cry fills the room and i am crying too--i can see the baby kicking and screaming out her anger at all the strangers touching her. she is ok. i can breathe, and my sister can breathe, because so can she.

2. i am with my friend, pushing back on her hand as she leans hard into me, trying with all her might NOT to push her baby out of her body. it's not quite time. she is focussed on breathing, looking past me into her husband's eyes for the strength he can give her. her face is a miracle. her sister has her other hand and both of us are doing whatever we can to help her. she is loved and supported literally from all sides. she is so focussed that her mind is not with us anymore--afterwards she will say that she hypnotized herself. the baby starts to appear--she has a perfect curl on the top of her head. the nurse runs for the doctor, who comes in just in time as the serious business of birth gets underway. the pushing is tremendous and powerful--more strength than i knew she had in her. the baby slides out in a great gush, and she is perfect. she cries for just a moment, and then is calm as they measure her. her father cries. the nurse does, too. it is a moment of wonder. my friend says that it was fun--she has endorphins going through her that would bring a million dollars if you could bottle them. the baby girl is serious and beautiful and sleeps on her mother as we leave the new little family alone to bask in each other.

too much to say

the past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. we've traveled, had house guests, re-organized two rooms of our house, moved furniture and put new stuff together, cleaned and cleaned. is this nesting? the doula teaching our birth classes says it's not really nesting until the last couple of weeks, but it sure FEELS like nesting. over the course of this week, i will be writing some catch up posts, but right now, i just have some things on my mind i want to get down before they slip away. you guys understand...

friday was something of a mental milestone to me--30 weeks. 10 weeks to go. the baby is suddenly bigger and heavier and a stronger presense in my mind (and my lower back). maybe it's the birthing and baby care classes we have started, but i am thinking more and more about the birth that's coming--trying to prepare. maybe it's just because he's growing so quickly right now that i can see a time when he will no longer fit in his snug little hobbit hole. he's going to have to get out, and i am trying to figure out how that's all going to work. i was always like this: birth plan? i don't need no stinkin' birth plan! but after learning more about it, i think maybe i do. not something set in stone, but some list of what i hope for. i hope to have him naturally. i hope i don't need an epidural. i hope i can do it without drugs. i hope it goes well and that he gets from the inside to the outside without much intervention. i hope when he is born, they will lay him on my chest instead of taking him away. i hope i can breastfeed. i have learned that all these things are actually possible--if all goes well. but i have seen birth--i have seen it from two different sides, and i know many mnay stories of many other births as well. i know--i KNOW--that some flexibility is required. i know i can't get wedded to these ideas of what i hope for. i know they are just that--hopes--and that everything can change on the turn of a dime. and in the end, i just want a healthy baby and a healthy me. no amount of preparation is going to make it not scary. thank god for the hippie. thank god for his support and his love through this.

the sweet junipers have had their baby, and he is beautiful. and jim's writing about it is so poignant and beautiful that i can't read it without crying. i went today and i read the whole story of juniper's birth, their beautiful little daughter, and it was just amazing. her birth was natural and not easy, but it was also awesome and overwhelming. i am so grateful to them both for writing it out in such detail and leaving so little out. it's comforting to me on a level i can't explain. it's worth reading and as educational as any book i have seen. i hope i am able to record our story in this kind of detail. i feel like i am mentally retreating a little bit--maybe gearing up in some way. i am trying not to do that. it's hard for me right now to think or write about much else. i am keeping a paper journal now for the first time in years. i am keeping it as much for the baby as for myself, something i wish my mother had done.

i hope i am a good mother. i hope we are good parents. i hope we are a good family. the fear is almost overwhelming. so is the anticipation. i can't wait to meet him.

notes on the belly

i am a little in love with the belly. i admit it. i catch glimpses of myself in the mirror, and i see this body that's not altogether my own, and it's oddly thrilling. it's not somehting i ever expected, and certainly not something i expected from the hippie either. but it's true--he's a little in love with the belly, too. we've hit the land shark phase. the baby is moving around in there all the time, and i can see it as well as feel it. little jabs and hops and flutters that are just amazing to watch. it's bizarre, of course, and i feel a little like a character in alien, but it's awesome, too. my little guy is in there, rolling and kicking and turning, and letting me know he's ok. the hippie hugs me, and he hugs the belly. he asked me what he was going to do when the belly was gone. he lays his hand on me and he says, come on baby--kick your daddy. and the baby does.

on many levels, pregnancy sucks--i am so tired, and my back aches, and i have the immune system of a newborn kitten, so i keep getting sick and staying sick. but on another level, it doesn't suck at all. there is a joy in it, this growing of a life in my body. it's amazing and humbling, and i think some part of me will be sad and miss it when it's over and the baby is on the outside. it's still hard for me to believe it's happening at all, this surprise baby that's come to us when i am 38 years old and had pretty well given up on the whole thing. i am terrified of it on so many levels. but i am happy, too. finally, at this later stage in the pregnancy, i am starting to be less worried and more happy.