Thursday, September 30, 2004

lunch with emily

well, i guess i SHOULD say, "lunch with emily and shane," as shane also came to lunch and ate some puffs and a banana. shane did not, however, gorge on chips, salsa, and enchiladas as did his mother and i. and man, it was fabulous. cheap mexican was what the doctor had ordered.

it's one of those days when i just feel codependent. i need to get some housework done, but i feel like i need another person around in order to do it. you know, like the college roommate who sits and looks at magazines or paints her toenails while you clean out your closets. so what do i do? i call emily and talk on the phone while changing sheets and doing laundry and washing dishes. and of course, this quickly turns into a lunch outing, because--well--who the hell doesn't need a break from all that housework?!

and man, it was the Right Thing, getting out of the house. i actually feel a bit reset. i mean, really--look at me go!

Wednesday, September 29, 2004


yesterday we saw the most beautiful sunset--it looked like a postcard. it was all bright red and pink, and there were those rays that make you think of the second coming. (jenn said the clouds looked like scrambled eggs.) and on the opposite side of the sky was an enormous, beautiful rainbow that just looked like a vertical column of colors coming out of a fluffy pink cloud. it was just awesome. one of those moments that makes me think things are turning around. and they DO seem to be. it just made me feel peaceful for once.

NOTE: rainbows have always been a special thing between my mother and me, so i always think of her when i see one. oddly enough, i was talking to her on the phone yesterday when that huge spectacular anomaly came into view in all its shining glory. interesting coincidence, non?

Monday, September 27, 2004

what's for dinner?

even when i don't feel like cooking, or i think i don't, once i start mincing up some garlic, it's just therapy. i love to cook. that pungent garlic smell comes up to greet me like an old friend every time. there is just something deeply satisfying in the preparation of a good meal, especially if it is a simple but delicious meal, and i cooked it myself in spite of my feelings of lethargy and/or apathy.

i guess i have an odd relationship with food. i have a weight issue, and have for most of my adult life, but the food has never been the reason. the food is all good. i believe in fresh, high quality ingredients. i believe in paying attention to the types of things i am putting into my body. i believe in listening to the voices of the past, be they my own mother and grandmother, or someone else's nazi italian grandmother. food is tradition. food is health on a platter if you do it right. i figure, if you have to eat at least 3 times a day to be healthy, then you should at least try to make eating a joyous experience, right? so i do. i have a deep appreciation for the good stuff on my plate. i think it is worthwhile to eat less of something better than more of something boring or generic.

take, for example, any generic chain restaurant of america. these places are my nmesis. they serve tremendous amounts of unhealthy, mediocre fare, and most americans seem perfectly happy with it, believing that the sheer quantity indicates that they are getting their money's worth. my mother and i were just talking about this yesterday--my father is a fan of ryan's steakhouse, which is, in my opinion, the buffet line straight to hell. i have not been in a ryan's in years, but i still remember it and many others like it. it is filled with obese people eating their body weight in fried everything and rolls dripping in trans fats. further, they are feeding this schlock to their obese children as well. i can't stand it!

give me a bowl of angel hair pasta with a simple tomato and basil sauce at my own kitchen table. give me a glass of red wine. give me a small caesar salad. simple. good. dinner.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

hormones a-ragin'

apologies if this is TMI, people.

man i hate me some PMS. i am having all these violent mood swings the past couple of days. i am all weepy, and one minute i want to clean the world, while the next minute i am too lethargic to get off the couch. the good news it that this feels like normal PMS. the last few months have been hormonal hell due to taking the Wrong Pills. it is really amazing how much they can affect you--until recently i had no idea myself. but now i am trying a new anti-baby device that appears to be a bit better. at least now i am not bleeding for weeks on end. nor do i have horrifying splitting headaches like clockwork every afternoon of the PMS week. so yeah--so far, this is a TON better. i have great hopes that i will start to get back to myself in the next month.

thank you, alyce, for making medical recommendations for me.
thank you, hippie, for putting up with my shit.
thank you, hormones, for ragin' in the way you're supposed to.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004


for a person with no official job, i sure am busy! between the wire things, babysitting, looking for a job, trying to maintain a social life, grocery shopping, cooking, washing dishes and clothes, slowly overhauling all my web pages, and trying to get things in my life a little more organized, i feel like i have very little down time. there are many people who seem to think i am just sitting around eating bonbons, but who has time for THAT!?

yesterday was the first time in a long time i was home for a whole day, and i had to have a fever to justify sitting down and reading a book. granted, some of this is the PMS talking--i am on a hell of a cleaning binge while still a little sick, but man! i am just exhausted. maybe it also has something to do with the stress of having irons in so many fires while trying to find a day job.

don't worry--not going to start whining about jobs again--something will happen--i know this. i just think it is so odd that i am so busy. how am i going to fit a job in here on top of all this other stuff? i guess i will just figure it out as i go along, like everything else.

and you know, for all this exhaustion, i am in a pretty good mood today. i just wish i had magical powers so i could clean faster.

Monday, September 20, 2004

a day at the lake

yesterday was one of those glorious fall days, the first one of this year. beautiful, clear, sunny, windy day--actually slightly chilly. how could we NOT blow everything off and head to the lake with harry and jenn and gabriella?

harry and the hippie sailed harry's hobie in the high winds, managing to flip the boat over in one of the scariest things i have ever seen, something called a pitch pole. and the scariest part was that i was watching, and for at least 4 very long minutes, saw no activity around the boat at all. jenn was also watching, then she and i watched a couple of monohull sailboats slam into a boat dock and nearly not make it in at all. jenn goes, "this is why sailing is not for women," and i think i have to agree. whew--it was scary! of course, they got the boat righted again, and no one was badly hurt, so it all turned out ok. and the boys were just exhilarated by the whole thing, of course. silly MEN!

but other than that small shadow it was a wonderful day. i filled up a whole memory card with pictures of the boys setting up the boat and candid secret shots of gabriella. she is one if the most beautiful children i have ever seen. it's great fun to follow her around with the camera and sneak shots of her when she isn't looking. :)

by the end of the day i was actually feeling sort of sick, and have not been worth killing today. this is what taking care of a child with a fever for a week will do for you: give you a stupid little cold to making you all draggy. poor lucy was feeling just awful all of last week, and now so am i.

it is beautiful out again today, but i want no part of it. it's me, the couch, a book, some sex and the city, and an assload of tea. hopefully by tonight i will feel better.

i wish someone would bring me some pho tai chin and some cookies.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

and to the boys too...

it occurs to me that i have slathered praise and thankfulness over the GIRLfriends, and not even mentioned the fact that there are also a ton of fabulous dudes in my life as well. men who are just as supportive of me, and who care about me just as much. so--a shout must go out to my boys as well. love y'all, too!

day late tribute to jenn

yesterday was my friend jennifer's birthday, and i did not get her a present. i DID babysit for her so that she and her hubby could go out for dinner and a movie, a rare treat for the parents of small children. (and she picked resident evil for the movie, if you can believe that!) times are not financially great for me right now, or i would have definitely done something more for her, like a day at the spa or something. she does so much for me!

so yeah, a day later, and i am still thinking about her and how lucky i am to have friends like her. she is one of the keepers in my life, a kind and funny woman who talks a lot and has a totally green thumb. she is supportive and strong, and is happy in her full life. she is a fabulous mother and has been an extremely positive influence in the lives of many children not her own, not to mention in the lives of the parents of those children. thank god for jenn, is all i can say.

so happy birthday jenn. i know i told you yesterday, but i am telling you again.

and while i am at it, let me say that i am one of the luckiest women alive with respect to my girlfriends. i have a whole posse of women i KNOW are there for me at a moment's notice if i need them. i mean it--if i called any one of them at 5 am and said, "i need you," she would go get on a plane and come straight to me. and i would do the same for any of them. these women have supported me through the roughest times in my life, and laughed/drank/played/shopped with me in the better times--the kind of people you can call up after a 2 month absence and still talk to for 5 hours as though no time has passed. you guys know who you are. i just wanted to tell you that i am grateful for you. y'all are loved.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

romantic getaway, take two

we finally made it to our weekend at the beach, and it was, as expected, fabulous. we even got some good weather, fitting our little time away in between hurricanes.

we actually missed out on the day sail we were planning, as the guys who own the boat decided to leave an hour early. oh well--when it started pouring rain in the afternoon, we were pretty glad we missed it! so we poked around, went slow, and had a really good afternoon in beaufort. we even had time for a nap before dinner. and dinner was amazing, as it always is at stardust--that place is HIGHLY recommended to anyone looking for a great restaurant in north carolina's central coast. the B&B where we stayed also scored great points with both of us. the hosts were nice and accommodating, they had a decent little wine list, and the room was beautiful and not overdone--a relief after our last B&B experience. (let's just call that one victorian overload. or redneck victorian. or just bad. but i digress...) there must have been six porches there for settin' and ceegar smokin'. sunday, after a fabulous breakfast, we drove down to emerald isle and went for a walk on the beach--so nice, just strolling, looking for shells, hanging out together.

a love of the beach is a new thing for the hippie--he has typically not appreciated it much at all. but then, i think maybe he is just learning to relax and chill a bit more than he used to--i am certainly learning that myself. you forget in the stress of the day-to-day how nice it is to get away, even if it is only for a little while. and how important it is to take some down time for yourself, even if there are a thousand things weighing on you. makes you feel downright rejuvenated.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

makin' a few changes...

make a note--i am moving the blog over to a new address:

this is so it will match up with the url of my personal webpage, which i am getting ready to relaunch--no promise on exactly when that will happen, but hopefully i will get around to it soon. more on the personal webpages later.

anyway--please update the bookmarks, yo.

Saturday, September 04, 2004


here's what i don't get.

i am fabulous. i work hard. i am reasonably intelligent; i can pick up on things really quickly. i can learn a new software package in a week or less--i have done it many many times. i can make a web site, draw anything you want me to, on paper or electronically. i can enter data. i am good with people, and i swear i could sell a blind man a lame horse, provided i believed in the horse. i can set up displays so that even bad things look good. i have experience in design, support, sales, marketing, teaching, and technical everything-under-the-sun. i have multiple degrees. i know a lot about art and a lot about science. i am an asset to a team. i am good at making other people feel accountable to me, and at taking responsibility for myself in the workplace. i am comfortable working with others or alone. i do not need a micromanager. i can both delegate and pick up the slack. i am an employer's dream. any employer.

so why don't i have a job?

don't worry, i am not going to start whining about this full time, but man, it does wear a person down, all this looking. and the real bullshit now is that i am in a position where i just have to find something--anything--to pay my bills. and i am angry that i am probably going to have to take a shit job, which will not mentally stimulate me or challenge me in any way, but which WILL force me to give up many of the things i have been doing since i was laid off--things i have enjoyed doing. things i wish i could make money doing, so there was a purpose to them beyond creating.

but hey--all is not lost--maybe i will still find a way to make it all work. today, however, i am brooding about it. maybe because i was having dreams of failure al night. hate when that happens.