Saturday, August 29, 2009



this summer, we have had some lovely herbs planted along the front sidewalk that we've been using in all manner of thing. it's been awesome to just run out front and grab what i need, and it's saved me a fortune. i found, however, that i didn't really use the parsley all that much. so when these fabulous huge yellow and black caterpillars moved in and started to chomp it up, we let them have at it. this photo is a testament to a) how awesome my camera is, and b) how much we've enjoyed these visitors to the yard. the parsley is gone as of a few days ago, and all these caterpillars are off being big swallowtail butterflies now. so cool.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

gone, baby, gone

so this will be news for some of you, and not for others. for those of you reading this and thinking--wow--who knew? i am so sorry for not talking to you in person about this. it's a conversation i just can't have over and over again, but for some reason, i feel like writing about it. so i am.

i took last week off. my nanny was having foot surgery, the hippie's sister was supposed to be in town all week, i was tired, and i missed my baby. once in a while, as a working mother, it's nice to take a week and pretend you're a stay-at-home mother instead. but anyway. i took the week off.

at the beginning of last week, i was about 6 weeks pregnant. now, i am not. over the course of the past week or so, i lost that pregnancy, and now, i am just me again, instead of me and a little growing bit. and folks, it's a weird feeling. i am rational--i know that losing an early pregnancy is unbelievably common. and i know that it means something, somewhere, in the nothing-short-of-a-miracle process of making a baby from a couple of rogue cells went wrong, and that's all there is to it. i didn't drink, smoke, eat a slew of high-mercury fish and bacteria-laden cold cuts. i didn't take up cage fighting, or start riding horses out of the blue. this shit just happens sometimes. and in some ways, i actually feel lucky. i didn't have a life-threatening ectopic pregnancy. i didn't have uncontrollable bleeding or a tremendous amount of pain. i didn't not know what was going on. i don't need a D&C to complete the process. my body just said--hey--this ain't right--and took care of it. ah, nature... what a bitch!

so it's weird. there's a sense of loss and emptyness, but i think far less than if you lose a baby later in a pregnancy. there's also an odd sense of just wanting it to be over if it's going to be over, so i can let it go and move on. and not to get all graphic, but i am so sick of the sight and smell of blood, i can't even tell you.

somewhat unexpectedly, it's made me feel incredibly closer to the family i have. i want to hold kieran so tight and never let him go. i want the hippie to sleep so close beside me that we are like one person. i want to hole up in the house with my family and not let anyone in or out for a month. i have more love than ever for them. where's it coming from? am i trying to protect what i have? i am honestly not sure. but it's a crazy side effect of this crap, that's for sure.

in the end, i am fine. we are fine. this was yet another accidental pregnancy for us--lord help us all if/when we actually decide to TRY to get pregnant. either we won't be able to, or i'll have triplets. lol.

ok--enough about that.

on an utterly different topic--i'm 40. when the hell did THAT sneak up on me? i don't feel any different, but there it is. where's that Box of Badass i was supposed to get when that happened? i DID get a brand new macBook pro and a whole bunch of unexpected guests over the weekend, plus a slew of other unexpected gifts. and a party. what i really want is a do-over week off, which i will get in a couple of weeks when we go to the beach. maybe i'll manage to get through at least registering the macBook by then. i have a real problem with time lately. there's just not enough.

when that Box of Badass arrives, i would like it to contain the following: some ID's for covert international travel, some plane tickets, a few interesting firearms, lots and lots of cash in various currencies, the ability to speak 9 languages of my choosing, PhD's in planetary science and mechanical engineering, some hidden macGuyver capabilities, black belts in at least 3 martial arts styles, and definitely, DEFINITELY the superpower that allows me to stop time for everyone but me so i can get some shit done and then take a nap before things turn on again.