brooding...

here's what i don't get.

i am fabulous. i work hard. i am reasonably intelligent; i can pick up on things really quickly. i can learn a new software package in a week or less--i have done it many many times. i can make a web site, draw anything you want me to, on paper or electronically. i can enter data. i am good with people, and i swear i could sell a blind man a lame horse, provided i believed in the horse. i can set up displays so that even bad things look good. i have experience in design, support, sales, marketing, teaching, and technical everything-under-the-sun. i have multiple degrees. i know a lot about art and a lot about science. i am an asset to a team. i am good at making other people feel accountable to me, and at taking responsibility for myself in the workplace. i am comfortable working with others or alone. i do not need a micromanager. i can both delegate and pick up the slack. i am an employer's dream. any employer.

so why don't i have a job?

don't worry, i am not going to start whining about this full time, but man, it does wear a person down, all this looking. and the real bullshit now is that i am in a position where i just have to find something--anything--to pay my bills. and i am angry that i am probably going to have to take a shit job, which will not mentally stimulate me or challenge me in any way, but which WILL force me to give up many of the things i have been doing since i was laid off--things i have enjoyed doing. things i wish i could make money doing, so there was a purpose to them beyond creating.

but hey--all is not lost--maybe i will still find a way to make it all work. today, however, i am brooding about it. maybe because i was having dreams of failure al night. hate when that happens.