Monday, July 14, 2008

adjusting...

i have been in a bit of a funk lately, and not much in the mood for writing. i don't know, something like a shortening of my fuse has occurred, and i am less tolerant of things that never used to bother me before. i don't mean to sound like a am complaining here--i mean, i am lucky as hell really. i have a healthy and happy family, excellent childcare, a house and neighborhood i love, and all kinds of things for which i am grateful every day. but still i have these moments of selfish frustration. i want a day to myself. i can't remember the last day i had to myself, and i won't get one until i am done breastfeeding. not that i begrudge the critter his lunch, but still... you know what i mean. i am trying to make myself take time to do a thing here and there that's just for me, but it's hard to fit that in. i have so little time to get anything done that needs doing--i tend to prioritize house and family and yard and work stuff higher than my need to go knit with friends or get a pedicure. but you know, the time away is getting more and more important for me to take. i swear, i think a happy mama is the key to a happy family, and i have to learn to take better care of myself in that area. i have to stop feeling like knitting a washcloth is too self-indulgent. or drawing a picture. or taking pictures of my dinner. i'm on my way back to normal i think--i am just having to make a few adjustments along the way...

5 comments:

erica said...

I think the baby adjustment is a huge one and even bigger than most realize. Having witnessed several friends have children, I'm amazed that they are still up-right after the first 6 or 8 months. An hour away is key and if you can get away for that hour, do it. It's what's kept my good friend sane. I hope things get better. Take care of yourself. It's like they say on an airplane, "put your oxygen mask on first and then take care of others."

gray la gran said...

okay. no pictures, i will deal ... and i think erica has some very good points.
there is the need/want to be away, and the "other" away. you could set yourself up (with pumped milk, time/etc) to be away) ....
do it. seriously.

... though, i don't recommend shopping. shopping sucks!

Anonymous said...

it is HARD to learn how to make time for everything - i still haven't figured it out! i can remember when i would go hours without going to the bathroom to pee! not good when you're supposed to be hydrating to breastfeed! somedays, i don't take a shower or get to brush my teeth until god knows when, and some days, it all falls into place; just know that you're doing what you can, and you'll figure out what routine works best for you all. the concept of "getting out" has gotten to be pretty difficult for me, so sometimes my "getting out" is just going upstairs to read or play on the computer for a few minutes. he's beautiful, so you're doing something right!!! even if you feel like you're not getting everything done that you should. :) - love you, kimmie

Anne Lindenfeld said...

Pat yourself on the back! You just figured out something on month 3 that I didn't get until year 7. Yes, take time for yourself, put that pedicure at the top of the list, and remind yourself that you have a right to amuse, recharge, and indulge yourself. You are absolutely right, in my opinion, to hold on to your previous life and rightfully selfish pursuits.

I remember sitting in my living room when my son was two and bursting into tears because I could not imagine a time when I could walk out my own front door without arranging for childcare. (Husband had been working out of town for 4 months, no family to relieve me, etc.) Believe me, it's better that you don't get to that place!

Too many of us allow ourselves to get into the work-baby care-home care-no personal life rat race. I would rather have my son see his mom have an interesting, creative life -- even if it means our yard has weeds and the stacks of mail sometimes threaten to overtake the kitchen table.

Anonymous said...

you got it figured out, girl, as usual:) so, go for it!!! let's see, gma's been at this how long and i can still hardly get her to take time or splurge on herself? Don't let it happen. You will always feel a little guilty, cause we love 'em, but you know it's best for all of you that you do your own thing too. love you~Denise aka proud new gma:)