working out

there is not enough room on the entire internet for me to talk about all my mixed feelings on this topic, so i am going to try to sum it up.

right now--fucking hate it. loathe it. dread it every day with every fiber of my being. i go to the gym, i feel self-conscious the ENTIRE time i am there, i count the minutes till my workout is over, and i am exhausted when i get home. half the time it is all i can do not the throw up on the treadmill. it is all i can do to make myself go.

and sometimes i don't, and it fills me with self-loathing.

but here is the thing. i need it. i know i need it. i know that this is a change i need to make for the good of me, my body, my future health, the future health of my possible future children, and the happiness of my hippie, too. (not because he judges me, but because he worries about my health.) right now i am heavier than i have ever been, and i feel it all through my body. my energy is lower, my blood pressure is higher--i have to take medication, which then makes me even more sluggish. and if i can get myself to consistently work out, then all that will definitely change.

i know that eventually i will come to like it. i know that eventually i will even look forward to it. i know because that has happened to me in the past. i long for the day when my workout ends with endorphins instead of exhaustion. and i know it will come if i keep it up.

but here is the thing about gyms today. this gym we go to pushes the personal trainer like nobody's business. and damn, how the hell can anyone afford one? a woman at the gym actually suggested to me that i get my boyfriend to pay for it when i explained to her that i just could not afford it! holy crap! do i have to pay out hundreds and hundreds of dollars to someone so that i will feel guilty enough about NOT working out that i do it? i have to make myself accountable to another person to follow through with a commitment to myself now???

and the other thing i totally fucking hate is how these trainers are so goal oriented. "we need to get your body fat percentage down to blah." "what is your goal weight?" who the hell cares about that!? i know, and anyone who has read anything about anything knows that this is all just simple math. if you put more calories in than you expend, you gain weight, and vice versa. further, losing a massive amount of weight is only possible with a lifetime commitment to a lifestyle change, whether you need to eat less, work out more, or both. i mean, why can't i just focus on getting this shit into my daily routine. why do i have to think about my goal weight and how low i need my body fat percentage to be? that shit overwhelms me and makes me want to crawl into a hole and give up and go ahead and die of a heart attack.

screw that.

and man, i know self discipline and denial are so not my strong suits. but damn. i can do this.